Grandmothers

Not really sure what to write about today. Lots that I could write about but nothing is really solidly landing with me.

Feeling the impending anniversary coming up. Sept 16th will be Dad's 70th birthday and the 5th anniversary of losing my Mom. This day is just a big red-circled day. I wish I didn't allow it so much power. I think that spending time with other families and their Moms, I get a little jealous. Sometimes a lot jealous. I think I also have a bit of a skewed perspective when it comes to issues with Moms and Grandmothers. I can't say strongly enough how much I wish I could call up my Mom. How much I wish I could fly home and see her. I'd walk 4,000 miles to spend time with her if a had to.  I would do almost anything to have her back. Not just for me, but also for Caden. He is missing out on so much. He had just turned three when she passed away. He has a very dim outline of a memory of her which is probably stitched together with photos he sees and stories that I tell him. I wish he could have the experience of being spoiled and loved unconditionally by a Grandma. I wish that he had a place that he could go to where he can do no wrong and he isn't told "no" all the time. A place where everything that he says is treasured and repeated to all of her friends and anyone that she encounters. I wish he had a Grandma that would proudly show his photo to everyone, being introduced as the greatest kid that ever there was and will ever be. Someone that never criticized him- only loves him and envelops him in that special love that Grandmas have. My Mom was a wonderful Grandma. I feel cheated and really angry that she was only able to spend such a small time with Caden.

I know that every situation is different and people have different experiences with parents and grandparents. I didn't always have the best relationship with my Mom. But I wish so much that she could share in our life experiences. I want so much to talk to her and ask her advice and for her to just tell me that everything is okay and that she is proud of me. What I wouldn't do to have that cheerleader. To have that person that will always pick you up when you fall. To have those arms around you when you need a good cry… even if it is through the phone. And I really, really wish I had that Grandma for Caden because sometimes I just need someone to talk to about little boy things that only a Grandma has the right perspective on. Its easy for other people to be critical of your child. Sometimes you just need that person that isn't. No matter what.

Caden has a fantastic Grandfather, and Dad's girlfriend (partner just doesn't sound right) is so very wonderful with Caden. No complaints at all with them or their relationship with Cade. I don't want to take anything away from them because I wouldn't trade them. Ever. Nor am I criticizing his paternal grandparents. He hasn't seen them much and I honestly don't know them that well. Hopefully we'll come to know them more in the future. But I am sure that everyone can understand that no one can ever replace your Mom.

So, my PSA (public service announcement) is once again… don't take for granted what you do have and don't let pettiness interfere in relationships. One day everything will change and you will miss it. You will.

I hope one day I'll stop writing these posts! You probably do, too…. ;-)