My Red Dress

I'm not beautiful on the surface. This is a fact that I've known since I was a little kid. I think at times I have been cute and sometimes pretty. Most of the time just average. Some days I've been hit a time or two with the proverbial "ugly stick". As I've advanced in age, I've come to terms with it and for the most part, am okay with it. There really aren't many times in life that I have been told that I was beautiful and during those times I probably discarded the compliment as just one of those things that people say when someone is getting married. Or going out on a date. Kind of like "Hi, how are you?" when you really don't listen to the reply. But there is one time that someone told me that I was beautiful and he made me believe. I'll get into that a few paragraphs down.

It's no secret that I was an overweight child, young adult and part of my adult life. During those years, I heard that I had a pretty face, thin ankles, nice hair... that I was smart and "nice".   I was asked if it was hard being friends with people that were so pretty. My Mom told me that because I had no waist I should wear dresses with a drop waist, like Linda Evans (which is what every 15 year old wants to be told... to dress like a 40-something year old). I went to Vancouver to shop for my graduation dress and tried on what seemed like every dress in Vancouver (sorry Aunt Kelly!) and ended up with something I didn't love and didn't feel pretty in because it was the only one we could find that fit and was dressy enough for the occasion. By this time, I was used to it. Never Cinderella. Not one of the ugly step-sisters, but never the belle of the ball.

I was married (the first time) just a couple of months after turning 19. I had one of those poofy princess-type dresses. Loved the dress. Didn't love it on me. Made me feel like a float. But my parents were buying and it fit and it was a pretty dress. But again, never felt beautiful in it.

I was also told that I shouldn't be vain. I had no reason to be vain. I shouldn't make fun of anyone's choice in lipstick color because I wasn't a "raving beauty" myself. Contact lenses were for vain, shallow people... glasses were perfectly good. I didn't take that advice, but I heard it and it stuck with me. A few years back I started using Crest White Strips (still love them) and was made fun of by some family members. Family members with yellow teeth, by the way, but that's their choice. My choice was to whiten and brighten a little.

Am I vain? Sure. I work out regularly. I color and cut my hair. When I am at work in public (as opposed to working from home at my desk) I dress in dresses and heels. I wear jewelry. I wear perfume. I look in the mirror. Still don't see a raving beauty, but I see someone that I am comfortable with.

I usually have nail polish on, but it's almost always chipped. I use my hands too much to keep them pretty. And my feet have calluses from running. I'm okay with that. I have loose skin from the many years of being overweight and losing that weight. I have stretch marks from the time I was 10 and developed boobs overnight and a stomach so I wouldn't topple over from the boobs. And I'm okay with this. I can be naked at night with the lights on. :-)

Now back to the beautiful thing. A few weeks ago at a work meeting we were asked to write a story about a dress. Our dress merchant manager at our company is retiring after a very impressive 30+ years in the dress industry, and the company thought it would be nice if everyone wrote a personal story about how a dress influenced them, or created a memorable moment. Over 200 people wrote out their stories. I over-thought this and could not come up with anything. I grew up in dresses. I climbed trees in dresses. I remember my Dad washing my favorite white dress with little red polka dots and it coming out pink... my wedding dress(es!), graduation dress.. a lot of stories but none that were really happy or stood out as something that I would want to share.

And then I remembered the red dress in the back of my closet. The one that I put on every few months. The one that I wore to a work event and time stood still and I. Felt. Beautiful.

It was three years ago, in Jersey City, New Jersey at at District Leader meeting. We were in a beautiful hotel overlooking the Hudson River and the New York/ New Jersey harbor. Part of my job is event planning and part of this annual meeting is a semi-formal banquet awards dinner. It is a sea of little black dresses (LBDs) and suits. I typically don't wear the LBD because honestly, I do like to stand out. I like the cream colored dresses. I've worn red. Blue. Occasionally black but not typically. And for this dinner, I am usually a hot mess. I am doing last minute room set ups and I literally run to my room 15 minutes before cocktail hour starts, throw off my sweaty clothes, kick off my heels that are already pinching my feet and quickly wash the pits, reapply deodorant, touch up the eye makeup, brush my hair and sometimes put a little barrette in it, throw my dress over my head, put on a big sparkly bracelet, make a quick phone call home, squash my feet into new heels and run back downstairs to the event to make sure everything is going as planned. If I am in my room for 10 minutes I would be surprised. Every year, same thing. No matter how much I try to preplan to allow an hour to shower, do my hair, etc, something always always always comes up and I am running last minute. This year, it was the place cards that looked like they were alphabetized by the temps... but they weren't. So about 5 of us were doing this last minute on a table for close to 300 place cards. Fun times!

But three years ago, I had a special dress. It was an off-one-shoulder, form fitting red dress. There was a big flower on the other shoulder. Not my typical dress. I felt in love with this dress when I tried it on. I was just starting divorce proceedings for divorce #2 (obviously not good at marriage) and this dress came into my life at just the right time. I felt pretty in it. So, I made my mad dash up to my room to get into my dress. I don't remember what I did with my hair. But I remember being in the elevator on the way to the ballroom. Telling myself to slow down, breathe, relax. I was so amped up for the event and going over all of the things that needed to be done. The elevator doors opened. I stepped into the cramped room and all of a sudden I had this huge rush of anxiety and it was like everyone turned and stared at me as I made my entrance. I know that really didn't happen, but it felt that way. And within 10 seconds of my arrival, our Chief Merchandise Officer made a bee-line over to me, grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and said sincerely that he was so happy that I chose to wear red (in a sea of black) and that I looked stunning. And he said it a couple of times before it sank in and I really heard what this man was telling me. He was telling me that I looked beautiful. And he meant it. And I felt it. I felt beautiful, truly, for the first time in my life. It was like all of the air went out of the room. I felt weak. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug this man. Keith, if you ever read this, I will never, ever forget this moment. I had a few people approach me that night and tell me that I was radiant and beautiful and I think that the more I felt it and believed it, the more true it was. As much as telling someone that they have thin ankles stays with them their whole life, so does a genuine compliment given at just the right time.

I know how important words are. How just the smallest thing can stay with you - both the good and the bad. It would be a wonderful world if we all had thick skins and if someone was having a bad day we'd know that when they are laughing at us it is really the outward manifestation of them feeling bad about themselves. But it's not that easy. Not everyone is strong all the time. It doesn't take much to make someone feel good about themselves, really. It's easy. Everyone walks in beauty if you open your eyes. Build each other up by being genuine. We can tell when someone isn't. Celebrate our differences and be someone that others want to be around. And as I write this, I know that I can learn from this as well. I have a long way to go as well. I need to let go of the past ghosts that follow me and tell me that I'm not this and I'm not that. I need to remind myself that it is okay to feel good about being me. That I do have times that I really am beautiful both inside and out. And so are you. You, my friend, are beautiful. Breathe it in. Breathe it out. Tell two friends. And then they'll tell two friends. And so on. And so on. And so on.

I'm going to try to track down a photo of me in the dress from that night. In the mean time, here is a selfie from today in the dress. It's hanging back up in my closet now, waiting to be pulled out again when I feel the need for that pick me up. <3

This is what inspired me to write this post. This is such a great message, from a beautiful woman.

Oscar Winner Lupita Nyong'o's Speech On Beauty That Left An Entire Audience Speechlesswww.upworthy.comLupita Nyong’o deserves all the awards in the universe for this speech.