What Makes me Tick

When I was young, I was told that I was not pretty. I was told that I was so stupid that I would be better off if someone murdered me. True story. I didn't want to believe these stories I was told and at times, I didn't. But to rip the scabs off, most of the time, I did believe it. When you tell someone they are something enough times, it starts to manifest; if not physically then psychologically. I tried to stay a step ahead and took a lot of psych and social psych classes to understand why I was so easily manipulated. I do understand. That doesn't mean that I overcame it.

Fast forward. Married a couple of months after I turned 19. I thought I was in love. Thought I was loved. It wasn't a good relationship  from the get-go, but I took my vows seriously. This "man" proceeded to break me down emotionally. Nothing I did, said or was, was ever good enough. He thought I was smart, but used it against me. He told me that I was ugly. Fat. He told me that he slept with 30 women while we were together. He always told me about how great other women were. Commented on their body parts. It cracked the outer shell I built to shield myself from my mom. When I turned 25, I took control. I started to starve myself. I did this, very successfully, for about 6  months. I lost over 60 lbs. Friends tried to suggest that maybe I needed help, but I blew it all off and said that I was fine. I got down to 106 lbs. I was wearing girls size 12 clothes. And I still felt fat. But I didn't feel ugly anymore.

I did feel sick. My stomach hurt all the time. I thought about food all the time. I cooked for everyone around me. I exercised as much as I could. I journaled it all. It was a horrible time in my life. I felt so alone and scared. My husband accused me of starving myself to...well...that's another story for another day...but it was devastating. When I started to have strong heart palpitations, I got scared. When my mom told me that my dad was worried about me, my dad, that's when it all fell in on me. When the casing I built around me crashed. So I started to eat again. I binged. Then got scared and... you got it...purged. I decided throwing up wasn't much fun. I turned to laxatives. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Wasn't uncommon for me to take a box of 30 a day. I really wasn't eating that much...  I can't tell you how much this all physically hurt me. And it was all mine. I didn't share it with anyone. All I wanted was to feel good about myself. To feel pretty.

I came through it all, only own. I don't recommend that for anyone who may be going through it now. Reach out and ask for help. Much easier with a support system. But I guess my mom was right and I have this desire to be a martyr. I do things on my own. Thankfully, it worked out for me. I am happy in my skin now. I like who I am. I am a lot healthier now, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's been a long and windy road, but I came through the other side. Why am I opening up about all of this right now? Because I write when I am trying to figure things out.

I started this by saying I didn't feel pretty or smart for a large portion of my young life. This imprinted deeply in me. When I hear or see articles about kids, or even adults, going through the same struggles, it touches my soul. Grabs it and squeezes it. As a way for me to cope with this, I like to tell people that they are beautiful. That they are smart. That they are loved. I do it a lot. I compliment a lot. A LOT. Maybe too much at times. I have been told that I am fake. That I do it to make people like me. Neither is true. I do it from my heart. I am sincere in my compliments. I think there is so much shit and negative noise in our world. Too much. I believe in doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. I believe there is something beautiful in everyone. What is beautiful in my eyes may not be beautiful in your eyes. And vise versa. That doesn't mean it's wrong or insincere. Or fake.

I love that I am compassionate. And passionate about making people feel good about themselves. I guess what I need to learn is that not everyone needs this. Some people are fine without being told that they are beautiful and smart and truly special. But what I want them to understand, what I need them to understand, is that  I can't change this about me. I can scale it back, but I can't stop because.. this is me. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's what I need to do to pay back the universe for how much I have been hurt in the past. It would be insincere and fake of me to stop. .

Love and light.
<3 Cat