What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
- Act II, Scene II, Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare
I have to disagree with Sir William on that one. You can call me Cat. Or you can call me Catharine. Just don't call me Cathy. Unless you are my dad. He has special permission, due to playing a part in the naming process. I was named Catharine, though. Not Cathy.
I know this has been a sticky wicket for those of you who knew me pre-2014. Some of you have transitioned over easily (thank you for not skipping a beat). Some came to the Cat-side dragging their heels (I do appreciate the effort!). Some have vowed to never call me anything but Cathy because that is how you've always known me and changing things up now so late in life doesn't make any darn sense to you. Maybe I can help shift the way that you think about this when I explain why I broke up with Cathy and haven't looked back (often).
I'll try to make this as short as possible because I could write a book on this topic. In a literary nutshell, Cathy represents me as a child, adolescent and young adult. For most of those years of my life I was a shy people-pleaser. I was what everyone else wanted me to be. Read through my blog if you want to dig into details. I haven't written much in the past couple of years, but that's changing. I promise. At the conclusion of a particularly mentally and emotionally abusive relationship in early 2014, I walked away from that little girl who cared entirely too much what other people thought of her. I stopped listening to what I was being told about myself and I took the time needed to embrace the parts of me that I loved and the times in my life that I was strong and successful and being the person I wanted to be when I grew up. My work life brought me a lot of confidence and validated that I am the person that I want to be. It was the personal side that I just couldn't get balanced right, and I'd easily give my strength to others. I changed that in 2014 and have charged ever-steady forward since. I'm the happiest version of me now, with healthy, loving relationships in conjunction with a career that bring me fulfillment. It truly is a wonderful life.
I'm not Cathy anymore. Every time I hear that name it takes me backwards. It sounds out of place. It makes me grit my teeth. I'll try to understand if you can't let it go, but now that you know the "why" behind the change, I hope you'll understand Cat. Hear me roar!
💚Cat
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Massages and Floats and Love, Oh My!
Health-quest update: my scans and blood work and all that "jazz" all came in fine. Yippeeee! Consult with the dietician was great. She told me I am doing all that I should be doing diet and exercise-wise and I left with some recipes and her personal contact info in case I have any questions going forward. I need to keep an eye on salt intake, but when I'm working out hard I need to make sure I'm getting enough salt... All is well!
But I did turn a corner with another area of wellness. I've been a student of yoga for about 10 years. Haven't practiced much in the past year due to time issues. I need to get a better handle on that and make the time. Something that I do love, and never feel that I should spend the money on, is massage. When I travel internationally, I will often partake in a massage. As an incentive to our group, we will give vouchers for a set amount to use towards a spa treatment or excursion, and due to timing, I often chose the spa and have a massage. My first one was in Costa Rica and I was scared to death. I only did it because the president of the company dragged me along with a group and I felt like I should at least give it a try. I did. I loved it. Loved it. Didn't think I would because I'm not keen on people I don't know touching me. But I threw caution to the wind...and afterwards felt sad that I resisted it for so many years! After that, I reserved massage only for when I traveled as a bit of a bonus- a treat that I never felt like I could justify paying for myself.
Last year, Terry gave me a gift card for an introductory massage at Massage Envy. I'll put a link at the bottom if you want to check them out. I received this gift card more than 13 months ago. Yes. More than 13 months ago. It sat on my desk and I looked at it at least 5 days a week... for 13 weeks. Yesterday I decided to book an appointment. Today, at 5 PM, I had a Swedish Massage...and a sugar foot scrub. It. Was. Wonderful. I bought a six month membership and will be going back bimonthly for those six months. I've had a knot in one of my shoulders for about 5 years. It would get so bad at times I'd end up with a migraine. I asked my doctor if I should see a chiropractor and he said I could, but he thought massage would help as he felt it was in my tricep. Know what? Massage helped. Biweekly will help keep this at bay and relax me to the point of being jellified. I like jellified. I love jellified. I felt no stress when I left that office. So, I arrange my budget a bit and I splurge on me. Because I am worth it, I will make it work.
This Valentine's Day brought me another most-wonderful experience (not the most wonderful- those are reserved for the wonderful-most-amazing-boyfriend-EVER, my Terry). My Valentine's Day was actually an entire weekend. This man does everything big. Everything. ;) On Friday, I received a poem that he wrote for me along with chocolates, a card and wine. He asked me to read it aloud and he stopped me at points. First stop he gave me scratch-off lottery tickets (I still have one left; fingers crossed!). Second stop was a gorgeous garnet anklet (my birthstone). And third was a three pack for float sessions. O.M.G. Float sessions. I have been wanting to do this for...ever. They just opened a float center close to me and I have been wanting so much to try it but. But. You know. There are other things that take priority. So not only did he gift me with three sessions, he booked my first appointment for the following day. Happiness overload!
A float center is a sensory-deprivation tank that you float in. You start by going into a small room by yourself. There is a place to hang your clothes, shower (you don't want to be putting lotions, perfumes, etc into the water.) You then enter into the tank. My tank was probably 12 feet high. 8 feet long and 4 feet wide. The tank is filled with 10.5 inches of water, and 900 pounds of Epsom salts. It's at 95.5 degree F as is the room temperature. Same temperature as body core. Each room has different colors. Mine was blue. There were tiny little blue lights (like stars) in the ceiling, and the tank lit up blue as well. You have the option to turn these off and be in total darkness. You are provided with ear plugs (a great wax that totally seals the ears shut...important when lying in a tub of water). You enter the tank, lie back and float. You just do. The salt in the water suspends you and it is amazing. I put my arms over my head and my back cracked. I could feel everything aligning and it felt blissful. No exaggeration. The float starts with soft spa music and it slow fades off. It is quiet. I turned the lights off. It's dark. No sight. No sound. No gravity or feeling of anything touching you. After about half hour I really relaxed. Completely. And I have never experienced anything like it. I've meditated for years and only twice have achieved the state that I achieved in that tank. And I only did it for a few minutes while meditating. I was in this state for almost a half hour while in the tank. I can't describe it, but I can tell you that I am so looking forward to my second session. When your time is up (I had an hour), soft music starts up to signal that you are done. You leave the tank, shower the salt off of you. The tank then filters itself 5 times to clean and purify (I heard it and opened the tank to check and it was doing as they said it would). I moved over to the hair and makeup room to dry my hair and reapply a little eyeliner and mascara. I then moved to a quiet room to drink water (they had tea , which I will try next time) and slowly come back to reality. And you need it. The experience far exceeded my expectations. I'll be back. A lot.
Without Terry, I most likely would have never tried this. Without him booking the appointment for me, I probably would have hung on to it for a year. Or more. Because truth be told, I didn't book my massage until after my float session. And what I realized mid-massage tonight is that I need to start allowing myself to be pampered a bit. I can do this for myself. I don't need to go crazy with it but I can fit it into my budget and take care of myself.
As a footnote, the rest of my Valentine's weekend consisted of a beautiful flower arrangement in a heart-shaped vase, a Bloody Mary breakfast and a steak, crab-leg, and grilled zucchini and asparagus dinner, all made and cooked by the man I love. There could be no better day and no better man in the world for me. I am blessed. I am loved. And I will show him that he is loved and adored until my very last breath. I love you, Terry. Now and until the end of time.
❤️ Cat
massageenvy.com
floatcentershiloh.com
But I did turn a corner with another area of wellness. I've been a student of yoga for about 10 years. Haven't practiced much in the past year due to time issues. I need to get a better handle on that and make the time. Something that I do love, and never feel that I should spend the money on, is massage. When I travel internationally, I will often partake in a massage. As an incentive to our group, we will give vouchers for a set amount to use towards a spa treatment or excursion, and due to timing, I often chose the spa and have a massage. My first one was in Costa Rica and I was scared to death. I only did it because the president of the company dragged me along with a group and I felt like I should at least give it a try. I did. I loved it. Loved it. Didn't think I would because I'm not keen on people I don't know touching me. But I threw caution to the wind...and afterwards felt sad that I resisted it for so many years! After that, I reserved massage only for when I traveled as a bit of a bonus- a treat that I never felt like I could justify paying for myself.
Last year, Terry gave me a gift card for an introductory massage at Massage Envy. I'll put a link at the bottom if you want to check them out. I received this gift card more than 13 months ago. Yes. More than 13 months ago. It sat on my desk and I looked at it at least 5 days a week... for 13 weeks. Yesterday I decided to book an appointment. Today, at 5 PM, I had a Swedish Massage...and a sugar foot scrub. It. Was. Wonderful. I bought a six month membership and will be going back bimonthly for those six months. I've had a knot in one of my shoulders for about 5 years. It would get so bad at times I'd end up with a migraine. I asked my doctor if I should see a chiropractor and he said I could, but he thought massage would help as he felt it was in my tricep. Know what? Massage helped. Biweekly will help keep this at bay and relax me to the point of being jellified. I like jellified. I love jellified. I felt no stress when I left that office. So, I arrange my budget a bit and I splurge on me. Because I am worth it, I will make it work.
This Valentine's Day brought me another most-wonderful experience (not the most wonderful- those are reserved for the wonderful-most-amazing-boyfriend-EVER, my Terry). My Valentine's Day was actually an entire weekend. This man does everything big. Everything. ;) On Friday, I received a poem that he wrote for me along with chocolates, a card and wine. He asked me to read it aloud and he stopped me at points. First stop he gave me scratch-off lottery tickets (I still have one left; fingers crossed!). Second stop was a gorgeous garnet anklet (my birthstone). And third was a three pack for float sessions. O.M.G. Float sessions. I have been wanting to do this for...ever. They just opened a float center close to me and I have been wanting so much to try it but. But. You know. There are other things that take priority. So not only did he gift me with three sessions, he booked my first appointment for the following day. Happiness overload!
A float center is a sensory-deprivation tank that you float in. You start by going into a small room by yourself. There is a place to hang your clothes, shower (you don't want to be putting lotions, perfumes, etc into the water.) You then enter into the tank. My tank was probably 12 feet high. 8 feet long and 4 feet wide. The tank is filled with 10.5 inches of water, and 900 pounds of Epsom salts. It's at 95.5 degree F as is the room temperature. Same temperature as body core. Each room has different colors. Mine was blue. There were tiny little blue lights (like stars) in the ceiling, and the tank lit up blue as well. You have the option to turn these off and be in total darkness. You are provided with ear plugs (a great wax that totally seals the ears shut...important when lying in a tub of water). You enter the tank, lie back and float. You just do. The salt in the water suspends you and it is amazing. I put my arms over my head and my back cracked. I could feel everything aligning and it felt blissful. No exaggeration. The float starts with soft spa music and it slow fades off. It is quiet. I turned the lights off. It's dark. No sight. No sound. No gravity or feeling of anything touching you. After about half hour I really relaxed. Completely. And I have never experienced anything like it. I've meditated for years and only twice have achieved the state that I achieved in that tank. And I only did it for a few minutes while meditating. I was in this state for almost a half hour while in the tank. I can't describe it, but I can tell you that I am so looking forward to my second session. When your time is up (I had an hour), soft music starts up to signal that you are done. You leave the tank, shower the salt off of you. The tank then filters itself 5 times to clean and purify (I heard it and opened the tank to check and it was doing as they said it would). I moved over to the hair and makeup room to dry my hair and reapply a little eyeliner and mascara. I then moved to a quiet room to drink water (they had tea , which I will try next time) and slowly come back to reality. And you need it. The experience far exceeded my expectations. I'll be back. A lot.
Without Terry, I most likely would have never tried this. Without him booking the appointment for me, I probably would have hung on to it for a year. Or more. Because truth be told, I didn't book my massage until after my float session. And what I realized mid-massage tonight is that I need to start allowing myself to be pampered a bit. I can do this for myself. I don't need to go crazy with it but I can fit it into my budget and take care of myself.
As a footnote, the rest of my Valentine's weekend consisted of a beautiful flower arrangement in a heart-shaped vase, a Bloody Mary breakfast and a steak, crab-leg, and grilled zucchini and asparagus dinner, all made and cooked by the man I love. There could be no better day and no better man in the world for me. I am blessed. I am loved. And I will show him that he is loved and adored until my very last breath. I love you, Terry. Now and until the end of time.
❤️ Cat
massageenvy.com
floatcentershiloh.com
Monday, February 8, 2016
A Very Belated Happy New Year!
So, I've had such an amazing and incredible year of love and laughter that I didn't take the time to share it all with y'all. It's been a fairy tale. And if you think I'm blowing smoke up your ass, you couldn't be more wrong.
I've been pinching myself, truth be told. Bruised up for almost a year with my never ending pinching, but I'm not waking up. Must be real! In my experience, trusting and blind belief in the intrinsic goodness of people has bitten me in the butt. Hard. I declared "Never again!" And then I met Terry. And he swept me away. I had a hard time surfacing, and then when I did, I was expecting the waves to toss me on the shore with a resounding "PSYCH!" But, it didn't happen. Instead, I found Terry paddling alongside me, with the same worries and fears, and the same hope and vulnerability that I had. You know what? I think it made us stronger. Better. It was healing and amazing and such a wonderful, head over heals experience. Tumbling, falling, being scared but believing here was a soft landing at the end. There was. There is. And in the long time that I have been on this earth, I feel so happy. So...right. Balanced. Loved completely and selflessly. All my life I longed for is and now that I have it, I will cherish this love until the end of time. This is a love that is balanced and not one sided, and I am utterly hooked and I love it. I can love completely- and it is appreciated. Wanted. Needed. I finally, finally feel that I am as loved by someone as I love them (not including our kids...but that is a different thing entirely).
It is important to be loved. And very important to have your love validated, appreciated and cherished. I've found this. I'm blessed. Truly. I'm so excited for our future. Stay close- it's coming fast! ❤️
This year I've also put a pretty big dent in some really big goals. First and foremost- health focus. I'm scared of doctors. Consequentially, I don't go to them unless I absolutely have to. In the past...18 years that I've been in the states, I honestly haven't been to a doctor more than six times (except when I broke my leg and had to visit a surgeon for regulate follow ups to see how it was healing). Until this year. This year, I established a primary care physician (love him), had my blood work, etc ran, had my "well woman" visit, mammogram. Dietician this week to help me balance my diet. I've had to make some small adjustments in my life, but it's good. It's terrific, actually. And it's taken a lot of stress off my shoulders.
I've download financial software and taken control of my finances. I used to only check what was going on in my accounts when I'd feel nervous about them. Now I'm on it daily, and making small changes here and there to get me better set for the future. I called the one credit card that I had a really high interest rate on (I don't have a balance on it, but "just in case"), and had it lowered 8.5%, just by asking. I registered to my retirement plan online, and just shifted my portfolio, after losing almost 30% of it in the last few years. I went paperless with everything, set up a budget for the first time ever, and am taking control. I'm not letting anyone take advantage of me financially again. No more head in the sand. Strong girl becoming stronger and stronger day by day. Why? Because I have someone lifting me and holding my hand every step of the way. I learn from his example. How wonderful is this?! How blessed am I? I would follow him to the ends of the earth because I trust him. Because he has more than proven himself. Because he makes me want to be better and stronger every day. Because he challenges me gently, allowing me to grow. Because he is a gentleman and treats me like a lady. Because he is one of the goods guys, and I think good guys finish first.
2016 is going to be the best year yet, for many reasons. Bring it on!
Namaste.
Love and light.
❤️ Cat
Friday, June 26, 2015
What Tangled Webs We Weave...
You know I have to write about this.
Let me preface with the resounding message that I am in a great relationship with someone I love deeply and who treats me like I should be treated- with respect, love, honor, loyalty... you know...kind of what we are all searching for. Or I am, anyway. It's closing in on six months now with Terry. Next week. Thursday, to be exact. And we'll be somewhere fun to celebrate. Watch for photos to follow!
But I want to address something that happened a couple of days ago. I often have said my life reads like a movie of the week. When I think hard on that, there could be several movies of the week based on my life so far. If it weren't my life, I'd probably even watch them. I've touched on some of them in earlier posts. But a new one developed...oooohhh....close to 36 hours ago. And it created an entire movie. I sh*t you not.
I received a private message thru FaceBook on Wednesday from someone who has friend requested me twice in the past six months. My friend list is just friends and family. I had no idea who this man was. I denied it the first time. Second time I replied with the message that I thought he must have me mixed up with someone else, although my name is kinda not common. At all. And denied it.
A couple of months passed. And then Wednesday happened. Whoa.
While I am really tempted to post the entire message he sent me, it was basically "you don't know me but I know a lot about you". I darn near had a heart attack, thinking I picked up a stalker somehow. Ha ha! The long and short of it is, he is the husband of the woman my ex had been seeing for about 2 years... while I lived with him. And if that wasn't hurtful enough, I leaned of second married woman he was seeing (also while I lived with him) prior to the "new" woman...who happens to be her ex best friend. You can probably guess where the "ex best" part comes in. They all work together. Cozy. I wouldn't have believed it, really, because I truly believed, blindly, that of all things he was, the one thing he wasn't...was a cheater. It appears that he was nothing but a cheater. And the best liar I have ever met. I think sociopath fits because he thinks this is all a misunderstanding and he did nothing wrong. He lied to me about every single thing. My whole life with him was an illusion. A big, well orchestrated lie. He lied to the married women he was sleeping with. I've seen screen captures of the messaging they were doing as I was living a happy life with him. Vile, vulgar little animal. Absolutely no resemblance to a man.
To his friends who supported his charade and covered for him - and went out drinking and to sporting events with him and the married women he was sleeping with... shame on you. You all are in the same gutter together. Was it funny to you? Your names were listed in the messaging, too. To all of you who believed that I was the bitch he was portraying me to be- you have all been deceived. The things he was messaging to his girlfriends for the vast majority simply were not true. Probably safe to say that he was feeding the same shit to his friends. As our time together was coming to an end, he told me his family and friends didn't like me. I can see why, if he was telling them the same stories. I was anything but a bitch to him. I am a nice person. I have a huge heart. I am generous. I believe in the good in this world and doing what I can to make the lives of those around me better. I am strong. I am not as smart as I thought I was, obviously. Maybe it's not that I'm not smart. It's that I am naive to how truly heartless and shitty some people can be. My Pollyanna syndrome strikes again. I called him and confronted him with indisputable evidence - and he is still denying that he cheated on me. I've never met a weaker person, ever.
I am thriving. Thankful I'm a year past that relationship. Thankful that I finally know what a good relationship is. Thankful to be loved by a real man. A strong man. A man with morals. A man with character. A man with a big heart. A man who is selfless. A man who builds me up instead of knocking me down. A man who is proud to be with me and doesn't hide me away from the world. A man who I am proud to be with and cannot wait to see each and every day. A man with a wonderful, loving family and friends that are warm and welcoming. I am happy. I thrive. And every day and in every way I grow stronger, walk a little taller with my head held high- holding the hand of a man.
<3 Cat
Let me preface with the resounding message that I am in a great relationship with someone I love deeply and who treats me like I should be treated- with respect, love, honor, loyalty... you know...kind of what we are all searching for. Or I am, anyway. It's closing in on six months now with Terry. Next week. Thursday, to be exact. And we'll be somewhere fun to celebrate. Watch for photos to follow!
But I want to address something that happened a couple of days ago. I often have said my life reads like a movie of the week. When I think hard on that, there could be several movies of the week based on my life so far. If it weren't my life, I'd probably even watch them. I've touched on some of them in earlier posts. But a new one developed...oooohhh....close to 36 hours ago. And it created an entire movie. I sh*t you not.
I received a private message thru FaceBook on Wednesday from someone who has friend requested me twice in the past six months. My friend list is just friends and family. I had no idea who this man was. I denied it the first time. Second time I replied with the message that I thought he must have me mixed up with someone else, although my name is kinda not common. At all. And denied it.
A couple of months passed. And then Wednesday happened. Whoa.
While I am really tempted to post the entire message he sent me, it was basically "you don't know me but I know a lot about you". I darn near had a heart attack, thinking I picked up a stalker somehow. Ha ha! The long and short of it is, he is the husband of the woman my ex had been seeing for about 2 years... while I lived with him. And if that wasn't hurtful enough, I leaned of second married woman he was seeing (also while I lived with him) prior to the "new" woman...who happens to be her ex best friend. You can probably guess where the "ex best" part comes in. They all work together. Cozy. I wouldn't have believed it, really, because I truly believed, blindly, that of all things he was, the one thing he wasn't...was a cheater. It appears that he was nothing but a cheater. And the best liar I have ever met. I think sociopath fits because he thinks this is all a misunderstanding and he did nothing wrong. He lied to me about every single thing. My whole life with him was an illusion. A big, well orchestrated lie. He lied to the married women he was sleeping with. I've seen screen captures of the messaging they were doing as I was living a happy life with him. Vile, vulgar little animal. Absolutely no resemblance to a man.
To his friends who supported his charade and covered for him - and went out drinking and to sporting events with him and the married women he was sleeping with... shame on you. You all are in the same gutter together. Was it funny to you? Your names were listed in the messaging, too. To all of you who believed that I was the bitch he was portraying me to be- you have all been deceived. The things he was messaging to his girlfriends for the vast majority simply were not true. Probably safe to say that he was feeding the same shit to his friends. As our time together was coming to an end, he told me his family and friends didn't like me. I can see why, if he was telling them the same stories. I was anything but a bitch to him. I am a nice person. I have a huge heart. I am generous. I believe in the good in this world and doing what I can to make the lives of those around me better. I am strong. I am not as smart as I thought I was, obviously. Maybe it's not that I'm not smart. It's that I am naive to how truly heartless and shitty some people can be. My Pollyanna syndrome strikes again. I called him and confronted him with indisputable evidence - and he is still denying that he cheated on me. I've never met a weaker person, ever.
I am thriving. Thankful I'm a year past that relationship. Thankful that I finally know what a good relationship is. Thankful to be loved by a real man. A strong man. A man with morals. A man with character. A man with a big heart. A man who is selfless. A man who builds me up instead of knocking me down. A man who is proud to be with me and doesn't hide me away from the world. A man who I am proud to be with and cannot wait to see each and every day. A man with a wonderful, loving family and friends that are warm and welcoming. I am happy. I thrive. And every day and in every way I grow stronger, walk a little taller with my head held high- holding the hand of a man.
<3 Cat
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Double Run Day
6.5 miles today. More than half were done in my lunch hour at a local park (the great outdoors, finally!) and the remainder at Gold's. Double run today, and I'm feeling pretty damn great! Feasted on grilled veggies - loving my little Webber - and grilled chicken wings. Ate a ton of veggies and a few wings, and didn't fill up. First day / night I haven't felt bloated in about 2 months. Yep. Definitely have an allergy or sensitivity to something. Need to pinpoint it, still.
Been getting fluffy the past few months. I need to set a challenge and then crush it. Having a very hard time staying motivated lately. I have a 5k coming up on the 20th and I want to PR for the year. Don't think I'll be in good enough shape for a lifetime PR, but if I really get serious, I can do anything. Don't think I want to be that serious right now. Once Cade goes to NY I can dedicate more time to training. Maybe an early summer, late fall PR breakthrough? All in all, I need to get back to logging everything. That is what keeps me accountable.
<3 Cat
Been getting fluffy the past few months. I need to set a challenge and then crush it. Having a very hard time staying motivated lately. I have a 5k coming up on the 20th and I want to PR for the year. Don't think I'll be in good enough shape for a lifetime PR, but if I really get serious, I can do anything. Don't think I want to be that serious right now. Once Cade goes to NY I can dedicate more time to training. Maybe an early summer, late fall PR breakthrough? All in all, I need to get back to logging everything. That is what keeps me accountable.
<3 Cat
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
And Awaaaay We Go - June?!
Apparently I've been having bucket loads of fun in the past... damn... it's been a long time, hasn't it?
The past few months have had a lot of peaks and valleys. A few races. Trip to Mexico (work and then pleasure, with a wicked cold and a quintuple bypass for my dad while I was two countries deep from him), and a lot of firsts and a few speed bumps along the relationship road. Still smiling! Still madly in love. Lots and lots of self reflection.
My son is going away for an extended summer break with his dad. I'm fully supportive of this and spearheaded it but now as it comes closer to fruition, I'm questioning the sanity of this decision. I'm going to be alone for almost 6 weeks. This will be a true first for me, and I don't think I like it already. I will have the dog. And I'm sure I'll see Terry a lot. Busy summer schedules and I'm seeing a lot of alone time ahead of me. Lots of running. Thinking. I've missed weeks of vacation for the past few years and I'm not going to do that again this year. Going to make the best of everything.
Clearly not in the right head space to write tonight but I'm breaking the silence streak so I can get back to blogging. I miss it. 😊 Every time I start to write I edit so much that I end up ditching it. But I'm a writer. I write when I feel. I've been feeling so much the past couple of months and really should have been letting it out. It starts again, now.
Shine bright. Love big.
❤️ Cat
The past few months have had a lot of peaks and valleys. A few races. Trip to Mexico (work and then pleasure, with a wicked cold and a quintuple bypass for my dad while I was two countries deep from him), and a lot of firsts and a few speed bumps along the relationship road. Still smiling! Still madly in love. Lots and lots of self reflection.
My son is going away for an extended summer break with his dad. I'm fully supportive of this and spearheaded it but now as it comes closer to fruition, I'm questioning the sanity of this decision. I'm going to be alone for almost 6 weeks. This will be a true first for me, and I don't think I like it already. I will have the dog. And I'm sure I'll see Terry a lot. Busy summer schedules and I'm seeing a lot of alone time ahead of me. Lots of running. Thinking. I've missed weeks of vacation for the past few years and I'm not going to do that again this year. Going to make the best of everything.
Clearly not in the right head space to write tonight but I'm breaking the silence streak so I can get back to blogging. I miss it. 😊 Every time I start to write I edit so much that I end up ditching it. But I'm a writer. I write when I feel. I've been feeling so much the past couple of months and really should have been letting it out. It starts again, now.
Shine bright. Love big.
❤️ Cat
Saturday, March 28, 2015
What Makes me Tick
When I was young, I was told that I was not pretty. I was told that I was so stupid that I would be better off if someone murdered me. True story. I didn't want to believe these stories I was told and at times, I didn't. But to rip the scabs off, most of the time, I did believe it. When you tell someone they are something enough times, it starts to manifest; if not physically then psychologically. I tried to stay a step ahead and took a lot of psych and social psych classes to understand why I was so easily manipulated. I do understand. That doesn't mean that I overcame it.
Fast forward. Married a couple of months after I turned 19. I thought I was in love. Thought I was loved. It wasn't a good relationship from the get-go, but I took my vows seriously. This "man" proceeded to break me down emotionally. Nothing I did, said or was, was ever good enough. He thought I was smart, but used it against me. He told me that I was ugly. Fat. He told me that he slept with 30 women while we were together. He always told me about how great other women were. Commented on their body parts. It cracked the outer shell I built to shield myself from my mom. When I turned 25, I took control. I started to starve myself. I did this, very successfully, for about 6 months. I lost over 60 lbs. Friends tried to suggest that maybe I needed help, but I blew it all off and said that I was fine. I got down to 106 lbs. I was wearing girls size 12 clothes. And I still felt fat. But I didn't feel ugly anymore.
I did feel sick. My stomach hurt all the time. I thought about food all the time. I cooked for everyone around me. I exercised as much as I could. I journaled it all. It was a horrible time in my life. I felt so alone and scared. My husband accused me of starving myself to...well...that's another story for another day...but it was devastating. When I started to have strong heart palpitations, I got scared. When my mom told me that my dad was worried about me, my dad, that's when it all fell in on me. When the casing I built around me crashed. So I started to eat again. I binged. Then got scared and... you got it...purged. I decided throwing up wasn't much fun. I turned to laxatives. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Wasn't uncommon for me to take a box of 30 a day. I really wasn't eating that much... I can't tell you how much this all physically hurt me. And it was all mine. I didn't share it with anyone. All I wanted was to feel good about myself. To feel pretty.
I came through it all, only own. I don't recommend that for anyone who may be going through it now. Reach out and ask for help. Much easier with a support system. But I guess my mom was right and I have this desire to be a martyr. I do things on my own. Thankfully, it worked out for me. I am happy in my skin now. I like who I am. I am a lot healthier now, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's been a long and windy road, but I came through the other side. Why am I opening up about all of this right now? Because I write when I am trying to figure things out.
I started this by saying I didn't feel pretty or smart for a large portion of my young life. This imprinted deeply in me. When I hear or see articles about kids, or even adults, going through the same struggles, it touches my soul. Grabs it and squeezes it. As a way for me to cope with this, I like to tell people that they are beautiful. That they are smart. That they are loved. I do it a lot. I compliment a lot. A LOT. Maybe too much at times. I have been told that I am fake. That I do it to make people like me. Neither is true. I do it from my heart. I am sincere in my compliments. I think there is so much shit and negative noise in our world. Too much. I believe in doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. I believe there is something beautiful in everyone. What is beautiful in my eyes may not be beautiful in your eyes. And vise versa. That doesn't mean it's wrong or insincere. Or fake.
I love that I am compassionate. And passionate about making people feel good about themselves. I guess what I need to learn is that not everyone needs this. Some people are fine without being told that they are beautiful and smart and truly special. But what I want them to understand, what I need them to understand, is that I can't change this about me. I can scale it back, but I can't stop because.. this is me. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's what I need to do to pay back the universe for how much I have been hurt in the past. It would be insincere and fake of me to stop. .
Love and light.
<3 Cat
Fast forward. Married a couple of months after I turned 19. I thought I was in love. Thought I was loved. It wasn't a good relationship from the get-go, but I took my vows seriously. This "man" proceeded to break me down emotionally. Nothing I did, said or was, was ever good enough. He thought I was smart, but used it against me. He told me that I was ugly. Fat. He told me that he slept with 30 women while we were together. He always told me about how great other women were. Commented on their body parts. It cracked the outer shell I built to shield myself from my mom. When I turned 25, I took control. I started to starve myself. I did this, very successfully, for about 6 months. I lost over 60 lbs. Friends tried to suggest that maybe I needed help, but I blew it all off and said that I was fine. I got down to 106 lbs. I was wearing girls size 12 clothes. And I still felt fat. But I didn't feel ugly anymore.
I did feel sick. My stomach hurt all the time. I thought about food all the time. I cooked for everyone around me. I exercised as much as I could. I journaled it all. It was a horrible time in my life. I felt so alone and scared. My husband accused me of starving myself to...well...that's another story for another day...but it was devastating. When I started to have strong heart palpitations, I got scared. When my mom told me that my dad was worried about me, my dad, that's when it all fell in on me. When the casing I built around me crashed. So I started to eat again. I binged. Then got scared and... you got it...purged. I decided throwing up wasn't much fun. I turned to laxatives. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Wasn't uncommon for me to take a box of 30 a day. I really wasn't eating that much... I can't tell you how much this all physically hurt me. And it was all mine. I didn't share it with anyone. All I wanted was to feel good about myself. To feel pretty.
I came through it all, only own. I don't recommend that for anyone who may be going through it now. Reach out and ask for help. Much easier with a support system. But I guess my mom was right and I have this desire to be a martyr. I do things on my own. Thankfully, it worked out for me. I am happy in my skin now. I like who I am. I am a lot healthier now, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's been a long and windy road, but I came through the other side. Why am I opening up about all of this right now? Because I write when I am trying to figure things out.
I started this by saying I didn't feel pretty or smart for a large portion of my young life. This imprinted deeply in me. When I hear or see articles about kids, or even adults, going through the same struggles, it touches my soul. Grabs it and squeezes it. As a way for me to cope with this, I like to tell people that they are beautiful. That they are smart. That they are loved. I do it a lot. I compliment a lot. A LOT. Maybe too much at times. I have been told that I am fake. That I do it to make people like me. Neither is true. I do it from my heart. I am sincere in my compliments. I think there is so much shit and negative noise in our world. Too much. I believe in doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. I believe there is something beautiful in everyone. What is beautiful in my eyes may not be beautiful in your eyes. And vise versa. That doesn't mean it's wrong or insincere. Or fake.
I love that I am compassionate. And passionate about making people feel good about themselves. I guess what I need to learn is that not everyone needs this. Some people are fine without being told that they are beautiful and smart and truly special. But what I want them to understand, what I need them to understand, is that I can't change this about me. I can scale it back, but I can't stop because.. this is me. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's what I need to do to pay back the universe for how much I have been hurt in the past. It would be insincere and fake of me to stop. .
Love and light.
<3 Cat
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)