Moms- Update!

I've sure been neglecting this blog! Time to play catch up.. again…

I just received a beautiful thank you note from my beautiful friend that I sent the baby blanket featured in my last post. It took me almost a month to find my way to the post office. I am so glad that the blanket found it's way to the baby before she was in college. It was starting to go that way.

I asked permission to post the thank you photo. Teared me up to actually see one of my projects in use and it means the world to me to see it in use. Two of my projects, actually! Yay!

And she loves them.

And I love her in them!!!

Beautiful Aleksandra wrapped in hearts

Isn't she adorable? I'm now knitting the same blanket in green for Cade's teacher, who is having a baby boy the beginning of December. I love knitting things when I have someone in mind. I think of them as I knit and it ensures that each project that I tackle has love in every stitch.

Next post will be a race report of the 2012 Chicago Marathon which we ticked off our "To Do" list this past weekend.

Moms (or Plants and Baby Blankets)

This is what began my latest project…

From: Monika
To: Catharine Cox
Subject: Plant
Date: May 11, 2012

Hi Cathy,

The plant is coming back to life :-)

Monika

Here is the back story. In fall 2007, shortly after I came back to work after my Mom passed away, some coworkers at our sister company sent me a large plant. It sat in front of me in my cubicle, and every time I looked at it it made me think of my Mom. I took good care of it for a couple of years, but then I overwatered it and made it unhappy and it did poorly for about a year. As I traveled it was watered sometimes, and sometimes was not. But it hung on.

When I left the office and relocated to Illinois, I left the plant behind in the office that I vacated. The plant just never bounced back and honestly, it looked like the poor thing had lived out its days and had gone to the great garden in the sky. I felt guilty and it gave a little twinge to my heart.

Little did I know, a coworker of mine took this plant into her cubicle and gave it lots of love. She repotted it and loved it. Monika is a quiet, beautiful person. Gorgeous, actually. But she took the dried up stalk that was once a great plant and unbeknownst to me… she brought it back to life. She didn't know the back story behind the plant. Two days before Mother's day, she sent me the above email with the above photo and when I opened it I cried. A lot. To me it was a message from my Mom and it made Mother's Day easier for me because I felt that she reached out to me through Monika. I told her this and we had a lovely conversation about it and a little while later she sent me this…

On 6/26/12 2:07 PM, "Monika"  wrote:

It's growing

Sorry the pic quality is not the greatest...

How can that not make you smile?  Monika was just about to have her 1st baby. A little girl. I wanted to do something special for her. 

This is the first baby blanket I've made since I made one for Caden. The blanket I made for Caden was before I really knew how to knit. Monika's blanket was a true labor of love. The pattern said it would take 30 hours. Yeah… took me a LOT longer than that because I kept dropping a stitch here and there or ending up with an extra one. And I can't give a gift to someone if I know there is one stitch wrong it in. I spent as much time tinking (knitting backwards to correct) asI did knitting it forwards. But I did it! ;-)  

When I knit I like to have the person in mind that I am making it for. Baby Aleksandra, this blanket is coming your way next week. I hope it keeps you warm. <3

Grandmothers

Not really sure what to write about today. Lots that I could write about but nothing is really solidly landing with me.

Feeling the impending anniversary coming up. Sept 16th will be Dad's 70th birthday and the 5th anniversary of losing my Mom. This day is just a big red-circled day. I wish I didn't allow it so much power. I think that spending time with other families and their Moms, I get a little jealous. Sometimes a lot jealous. I think I also have a bit of a skewed perspective when it comes to issues with Moms and Grandmothers. I can't say strongly enough how much I wish I could call up my Mom. How much I wish I could fly home and see her. I'd walk 4,000 miles to spend time with her if a had to.  I would do almost anything to have her back. Not just for me, but also for Caden. He is missing out on so much. He had just turned three when she passed away. He has a very dim outline of a memory of her which is probably stitched together with photos he sees and stories that I tell him. I wish he could have the experience of being spoiled and loved unconditionally by a Grandma. I wish that he had a place that he could go to where he can do no wrong and he isn't told "no" all the time. A place where everything that he says is treasured and repeated to all of her friends and anyone that she encounters. I wish he had a Grandma that would proudly show his photo to everyone, being introduced as the greatest kid that ever there was and will ever be. Someone that never criticized him- only loves him and envelops him in that special love that Grandmas have. My Mom was a wonderful Grandma. I feel cheated and really angry that she was only able to spend such a small time with Caden.

I know that every situation is different and people have different experiences with parents and grandparents. I didn't always have the best relationship with my Mom. But I wish so much that she could share in our life experiences. I want so much to talk to her and ask her advice and for her to just tell me that everything is okay and that she is proud of me. What I wouldn't do to have that cheerleader. To have that person that will always pick you up when you fall. To have those arms around you when you need a good cry… even if it is through the phone. And I really, really wish I had that Grandma for Caden because sometimes I just need someone to talk to about little boy things that only a Grandma has the right perspective on. Its easy for other people to be critical of your child. Sometimes you just need that person that isn't. No matter what.

Caden has a fantastic Grandfather, and Dad's girlfriend (partner just doesn't sound right) is so very wonderful with Caden. No complaints at all with them or their relationship with Cade. I don't want to take anything away from them because I wouldn't trade them. Ever. Nor am I criticizing his paternal grandparents. He hasn't seen them much and I honestly don't know them that well. Hopefully we'll come to know them more in the future. But I am sure that everyone can understand that no one can ever replace your Mom.

So, my PSA (public service announcement) is once again… don't take for granted what you do have and don't let pettiness interfere in relationships. One day everything will change and you will miss it. You will.

I hope one day I'll stop writing these posts! You probably do, too…. ;-)

Been to Lame Land

Bought the T-shirt.

I've been in a funk and haven't felt like writing. Well, I've felt like it, but just haven't done it. Mainly because I am tired of this "poor me" attitude that I've let invade me and I didn't want to share that with the world. Or the dozen or so people that read this. I know that you are tired of reading it, and I'm tired of writing it, frankly.

Cut to the chase- leg still not healed, I'm still not running. And I'm a big cry baby about it. I have yet another x-ray next week. Not hopeful because the hopeful me didn't get anywhere. On the positive side, I found an internist that I am really, really comfortable with and if you know me, you know that's a big accomplishment. Dr. Adams makes me laugh and actually remembers the last time I was in, etc. He held my hand while I cried during my first visit (it's a Cathy-thing) and that got my vote right there. It's nice to finally be able to say that I have a doctor and I'll be able to list a name on forms now where you have to list a doctor. Woot woot!

I did a 5k walk a couple of weekends ago and I'm itching to run. Soon. Chicago marathon is creeping up and I want to train well for it.

Mother's Day came and went and I lived through it. It's still all about my Mom. And it doesn't get easier.

I've done a lot of fun things in the past month or so. St. Louis Zoo Friends Day, multiple fishing weekends, family days and booking and planning a long overdue summer vacation. 5 weeks from today we'll be on our way to British Columbia. These 5 weeks can't go fast enough. Within those five weeks, I have 4 days of work meetings I'm helping organize in New Jersey. The following week, we host the same meetings in Arizona.

Today was Caden's last day as a second grader. He's out for summer break… and four hours into it, he was a little teary because he misses school already. :-)  Gotta love him!!! <3

I need to revamp this blog, too. Looking stale and b-o-r-i-n-g. New project!

Bye Bye Boot (and crutches)

Cue Michael Bublé singing Feeling Good… which FYI is how I start all of my races …

I left today's orthopedic visit with a fancy lace-up brace and was instructed to retire the boot and crutches. CHECK! I start physical therapy next week (4 sessions) and have a follow up x-rays on 4/10. Instructed to not play racquetball or do any strenuous mountain hikes. I can do that. He didn't say I couldn't run.. and I didn't ask. I am hoping to start up again at a slow lope in about two weeks time. I'll ask them at PT. But I am going to start working out again! I'm mobile! I'll be careful with the left leg and ankle- but I also want to get it fully back in use. And I want to start P90X and not just watch Todd, wishing I could do it too!

To be honest I mostly ditched the boot and crutches 2 days ago. Last night I slept bootless for the first time since I broke it. I kept waking up thinking it was going to hurt when I shifted around. There were a couple of wince-worthy moments, but nothing like "sleeping" with a big plastic, neoprene and velcro contraption strapped to your leg. I am not going to miss that. It was such a luxury to actually have both legs under the sheets. But it was really hot in here last night and I ended up on top of the sheets anyhow. But I didn't have to be there. :-)

Last week I hit a few really low spots. I cried a lot.Today I feel like I am Spring. Reborn. New. Sounds pretty extreme and corny but after six long weeks of losing my freedom and not being able to do much for myself or anyone else, this was much needed. I'm just not wired for that. Believe me, I tried really, really hard to be patient. I listened to all of your advice. I wanted to heal ASAP. But it kicked me around mentally. And it wasn't over before I knew it- it was a very long and drawn out time. And I am done with it.

It's in the low 80s today… 27 or so Celsius for my Canadians. I'm in my office wearing shorts, a tank top and my little brace. In an hour and a half I'll head out to pick up Cade from school and I'll be walking without crutches to pick him up. Hooray! When I get home, I think I am going to sit out on the lawn with a book and maybe crack open a beer (I bought stout to make your cupcakes, Sarah!) and celebrate the end of the longest six months of my life and welcome in the next phase!

Side note… thank goodness for health insurance. My emergency room visit was $1,418.30.  I was only responsible for $67.50.

Goals

With 4 and 1/2 weeks left in the fiscal year with the company that I work for, I was asked for my goals for the year. Because when I resigned/moved/signed-on-to-stay-temporarily/decided-to-stay-on-permanently-because-it-was-working-well-remotely we didn't think I'd be there long enough for goals so my work goals weren't established. Now as the year is starting to wind down, my boss thought it would be a good time to record goals. I am thankful for this as it's been a good year and this means that I'll be able to reap some of the rewards for the successful year. But at the same time, it's hard to set a "goal" after the fact. It's not realistic to set five new goals to achieve before the end of the year and it's delicate to set goals that I have already achieved, isn't it? But I should be recognized for what I have achieved.

I drift around without goals. Not only in business but in my personal life as well. Whenever I am feeling disconnected and like life is passing me by, it's because I haven't given myself a challenge. I need to do this. This is one of the things that I love about racing. I sign up for something and then work towards it. It makes workouts easier and a little more meaningful than just pursuing "improved health". Not that that isn't probably more important that finishing a race, but the race is a step towards the ultimate goal of improved or maintained health. The next race is my next step. Once I stop taking steps I stop moving. Literally. So, I'm signed up for a couple of biggish races. The next is the Flying Pig on May 6th. This was supposed to be a marathon for me, but just I just applied to step it down to the half marathon. I haven't ran since January and I probably have another 2 weeks before I start up again, if everything goes well with my appointment tomorrow. This only gives me a month to train. I know I can do it. I have Chicago in the fall and I plan on training the heck out of this. I have an ambitious time goal for that race. I am setting a loose goal for the Pig. A little more than "just finishing it", but not much more than that or else I will hurt myself (I am extremely stubborn and can push through almost anything). But I understand (I do!) that I can cause serious damage to myself and could ruin my opportunity to be able to race successfully ever again. So... loose time goal!

I've set myself another personal goal and that is to say thank you to people in my life. I've been starting my mornings once or twice a week with a big cup of coffee and a note card or two and I've been writing simple "thank you for being part of my life... and I am thinking of you" cards. And I've been mailing them! I've sent out a few gifts. For about 12 years I have been buying cards, gifts and making gifts and I just don't take the time to stop what I'm doing, sit down, write and MAIL. It is so easy to do and now that I've established a routine, I look forward to it. And I have received such positive feedback on this from the recipients... it just snowballs for me and reinforces that this is a good practice for me. Email and FB is nice... something in your hand is better.

Goals are kind of like resolutions, but not really. Resolutions seem so final and set in stone and once you mess up you are done. In my mind, a goal is a work in progress. Something to be revisited frequently to check your progress or lack thereof. If you've made progress- great! Do you need to adjust it because it's been easier than you thought or has the pursuit of the goal taken you in a different direction and you need to modify? If you are not making progress is there a roadblock you need help removing or should your goal be something else at this time? You don't fail if you don't hit your goal- think of the goal as a plan of what you want to achieve and how you think you are going to do it. It should be flexible, with small realistic steps and you should be able to quantify and measure it. How will you know when you have achieved it? What does this look like to you? Share your goal with people you trust if you like- they can help you in your pursuit of success. If you don't have supporters, find someone who does. There are a lot of cheerleaders out there... I am one of the biggest!

What are YOUR goals?

8 Sleeps to Go Until I Give the Boot the Boot

... I hope... because if not, I think I shall go completely insane. I am quite certain that I am serious about that. I have learned a lot of things about resting and taking it easy and being patience blah blah blah. I appreciate the kindness of others like never before. Caden is forever in my prayers for an extra blessing for being so absolutely wonderful during the past 37 days. Without him, I would still be very broken. No doubt whatsoever.

I have also learned a lot about myself. You'd think that with all of the soul searching that I have done the past 10 years or so I'd have myself figured out. I guess because we are ever-evolving we never really quite get there. In my "here-and-now", this is what I have learned about me:

• I am very scared of anyone in the medical profession. This is well documented. I pretty much will do anything that a doctor or nurse or anyone in a white coat tells me to do. If I don't have someone with me, or record what they have told me, I don't really retain anything of what they say because my number one goal is to get the hell out of there alive. I know this is irrational and I know it's not good for me. I have listened to what my doctor has said. I have stayed off of my leg until this past week. I have rested. I have been on my freaking couch waaaay more than any human being should.  I want to heal as fast as humanly possible. I NEED to do this. Now.
• I do have patience, but it is not limitless. 4 weeks is pretty much my limit. Then I am flat out miserable and resentful and weepy and mad at the world. I feel sorry for myself and really jealous of everyone out skiing and running and eating in restaurants and having drinks with friends and smiling for the camera... you know who you are... EVERYONE... 
• I haven't reached out to my friends and family in a long time to just say thank you and I love you and I miss you. It took me being stuck on my couch to learn that when you stop doing this, so do other people. All of a sudden you are alone. I've started sending little notes of gratitude to these people. This is a goal of mine now and it is a great way to start my day. And I've been getting a lot of great feedback from them. My job with the company that I work for is to motivate and thank our associates in "the field". I know how important it is to say thank you and that you are appreciated. I don't think that people do this often enough.... and I have to put myself at the top of the list of people not doing it enough because it is the only list I have control of.
• In the same vein, I need to start creating a network of friends where I am now. I've had no visitors because I don't really have friends here. They aren't knocking on my door looking for me. I need to start looking for them. Working from home doesn't allow for a lot of face to face time with other people. I'm settled in. Caden is doing well.  It's time for me to get involved in something bigger than me and find those special ladies that I share commonalities with. I don't want to be just known as "Caden's Mom". I like to stand on my own merit. 

Those are my biggest takeaways. I also want to say that you never truly appreciate what you have until you don't have it. Honestly, I thought of this a lot when I ran. I was very thankful to have the legs that I had and the health that I did and the fitness and the drive... I didn't take it for granted. But it wasn't until it was truly taken away from me that I fully understood or appreciated just how much your legs do for you. And how difficult even the most mundane things can be without the use of them, or someone to help. Try crutches out for a full day... not just a spin up and down the hall. Better yet, give it three days or so so you can experience the bruising. Or when you get tired and will yourself to not fall or up, the stairs. Try going in and out of buildings that don't have the handicap accessible doors. My bone doctor does not have these doors. Each week I have to try to hop in between two very heavy doors while carrying my crutches.... while people sitting inside just sit there and watch me struggle. There is a lesson in there for me. I've learned a bunch of them! 

Okay... still on the Broken Train

Crafty-friend-blog-entry still to come. I can't ignore the 10 lb boot in the room...

I took a bad photo this week- too close to the screen.

But the good news- still on the mend. No changes in displacement from last week. Looks like next week I should be able to start using the leg again. I really, really hope so. Folks, when you do not use a muscle you lose the muscle. My muscles have been fighting it. They've been losing, but they have been complaining bitterly along the way. How? Cramps. Cramps to remind me that "Hello?!?!! We are still here!!!!" This past week I have been waking up in the middle of the night with my calf muscle knotted up so tightly that it makes me cry. I want so badly to stretch but if my leg starts the stretch process it goes into muscle lock.

Last Thursday I had a bout with food poinsoning. Could have been the flu- it has been spreading like wildfire here, but it only lasted for about 3 hours of being really, really sick, and then I was just feeling sick for the rest of the day. But I was sick. I'm not going into graphic details, but I also recommend not being sick if you ever have a broken leg. This also resulted in me crying. Too much of that lately! But since then, my balance has been off. Not great for crutches. Really not great for crutches on stairs. I've been staying upstairs all day, or downstairs all day. I've been avoiding the stairs as much as possible and I feel this is for the best. Someone is watching over me, though. No doubt about that!

Another thing... I thought I'd be gaining a few pounds as I basically am as active as a rock right now. But I haven't. I think it's because during the day when I am alone, it is a pain in the ass leg to get myself into the kitchen. Once I get there, it seems that everything I want is not something that one can carry while operating crutches. And while I have been standing in the kitchen and eating, it does makes me eat less. I'm also probably dehydrated for the same reason. I should be filling up containers and putting them in my little messenger bag and carrying them around, but I just don't. My own fault. I just think that I am pretty much done with this. Ready for the next phase. Really.

I am going fishing tomorrow! So looking forward to getting out and I am hoping to pull in a big baby. But mostly, I just want to get out. Three weeks is too long to be housebound. Looking forward to some Vitamin D!!! I'll probably be carried from car to boat and back, and placed in a nice chair while I fish, I'm fine with that. A day with Caden on the lake with a picnic lunch... perfection!

A Little Less Broken

In the continuing saaaa-gaaaa....

For those of you who follow me on Facebook, you've probably already seen this, so please bear with me. I think it's much more interesting to see bones that to see my distorted and discolored foot pix. But this was my x-ray, 9 days in...

2 views of my left leg

Dr. Beyer says I'm on the mend! He wants me back next week and then the week after that for additional x-rays to ensure the bone is staying where it should be and healing the way it should be. Got the "if things change you will need pins and screws" lecture again. Pretty much not going to let that happen. As much as it pains me- figuratively and literally- I'm keeping off of it as much as I can. Again, I am really thankful that I am able to work from home. I would have had to take a medical leave if not. 

A few more tips that I have collected in the past week... 

Lesson #9

Throw Rugs are NOT your Friend. 

Neither are clothes on the floor. Crutches dislike throw rugs and miscellaneous scattered clothing. Especially when both are in rooms of little boys. Racetracks and Legos aren't very crutch-friendly, either. Okay. Just stay out of the room of 7 year old boys.

Lesson #10

Socks are a Challenge. 

Invest in a good non-slip sock. You probably only need one for the good foot. If you need to have one on the bad foot it will probably need to be 3 sizes bigger than the good foot. And don't even think about trying to sockify the bad foot for a week or so after the break, unless you want to test your pain tolerance even further. Could lead to a good black out which may make you fall... that could be bad. Just sayin'.

Lesson #11

Patience is an 8 letter Word... 

... which means it is the equivalent of 2 four letter words. And I have used every four letter word in the past 10 days. Multiple times. I kind of have a reputation for being calm, cool and collected. In the past 10 days I have had many, many moments of not being any of those. I've been mad, depressed, crying, feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself because when the dust settles, it's just a broken leg. I would never have thought that I'd fall apart like this. But I have. It is very, very frustrating to not be able to do anything without a heck of a lot of effort and to have to rely on other people so much. I am bored out of my mind- and there is so much that I could be doing to occupy my mind- but I'm just not in the right space at the moment. 

So... after one week the swelling has gone down a lot. A lot. The discoloration is really mostly mainly around the break site now, which is a gorgeous black, grey and purple. Two of my toes are a little grey looking from bruising, but  it's nicer than last week's green hue and it's not so hoof-like. Yay! I stopped with the pain meds last Thursday. Again, with the decrease in swelling the pain is much less. I get a shooting, pulsating  pain at the break site a few times a day but it is nothing I can't handle and it really doesn't last long. The rest of the time my leg actually feels good to the point that I forget that it is any different than the other... except for the knee high boot that feels like it weighs 10 lbs. Now that my foot is back to almost normal size, there is a lot of wiggle room in my boot, so I need to dig out the additional padding that they gave me. The boot is hot and not the most comfortable, but it is better than a cast! Even though I am only supposed to take it off for a "quick shower" (uhhh... not really sure how I am supposed to shower standing on one leg, so I maneuver myself in and out of the tub instead), I do sneak it off a couple of times a day to give it a breather when I have my leg propped up on the couch or when getting changed (duh). I don't leave the couch without it, though. After having my garbage-can-incident late last week when I almost fell over and had to put the bad foot down, I know that if I slip or bobble at all without the boot on, I'll be in a really bad place. Don't want to go there!

That's all for now, folks! My next blog entry I want to share a few cool things that artsy friends of mine have been doing while I have been feeling sorry for myself... :)

I'm Broken

What I have learned about having a broken leg after 3 days of having a broken leg:

If you click to make bigger it's easier to see, but the break is on the left side of the fibula.




Lesson #1

Don't hook your legs around the legs of a bar stool, even if you are wearing cute new shoes. 

There have been a few times in my life that  I have felt the scary sensation of starting to slide off a stool with my legs twined around the stool legs and thought to myself "Whew! I probably could have broken something if I actually fell!".  Let me confirm for you that this is indeed a very real probability.

Lesson #2

If you have an ER doctor that is yawning, acts like he doesn't see you and avoids eye contact, you probably (definitely) want a second opinion. 

While he was correct in the fact it was a break, he said it was horizontal and not vertical and that I could be healed in about 3 weeks. But to be fair, I obviously did wake him...

Lesson #3

When they say the 48 hours after breaking a bone is going to be the most painful time, believe it. 

Actually, mine was probably more like 52 hours, but when it happened I experienced the most intense urge to run around my bedroom screaming and crying because I didn't know what else to do. I jumped out of bed (as best as someone with a broken leg can), grabbed my crutches and crutched myself around the upper level of the house, crying. I decided against the screaming as I didn't think the boys would be too keen on that. They needed their sleep so they could look after me the next day, anyhow.

Lesson #4

Be very nice to your friends and family. Start now if you are currently a big meany. 

You never know when you are going to need them to carry you up and down the stairs, cook you wonderful meals, bake fresh cookies for you, bring you little white pills to make the explosions of pain a little duller... and insist that you lie down with your foot elevated higher than your head. See... it's a good thing I didn't do the screaming part mentioned in Lesson 3.

Lesson #4

If you don't currently practice yoga, you may want to give it a shot.

Tree pose is particularly helpful to practice balance on one leg. I think I would have broken my leg clean off by now, along with some cracked ribs and possibly a skull injury thrown in there from falling down the stairs without having the stabilized core that I have from yoga. Trust me- good balance is your friend.

Lesson #5

Invest in a small backpack, messenger bag or cute shoulder strap Coach bag. 

... because you cannot carry anything on crutches, unless you utilize your teeth. And no, Mom, I would never do that (except for 2 days ago when I carried two bags of ice into the living room so I could ice my leg...). A bag is especially helpful to carry your phone(s) around with you. I have three; a home phone, a work phone and my cell phone. When I am carrying just two of them, the third one will always ring from a different level of the house. I then feel obligated to crutch along like a tornado to answer a call from someone about lowering my mortgage interest rates. I have not been Happy Cat when I do answer these calls, so if you are one of those people who is trying to lower my mortgage rate you may want to reconsider calling me for the next 4- 12 weeks. Just sayin'. In your snazzy bag, carry all said phones, a pen and paper in case you need to send paper airplane notes to people who are not paying you enough attention and your wallet in case you get bored and start surfing and shopping online. You never know- you may find some cute things to decorate your boot or cast that you are starting at all day, every day, as you lie down with your foot elevated higher than your head.

*Special shout out to Tina who suggested investing in a CamelBack to put your coffee in because... hello! You can't carry a coffee cup around! Coffee through a tube is better than no coffee at all, and a CamelBack affords you the added bonus of keeping your back warm. Or you could use it as a heating pad in a pinch.

Lesson #6

Unless you have a bunch of sick time left and your company qualifies a broken leg as "sick", get a job that lets you work from home. 

While I had to edit the location of my home office, it is working- and I am still working. This helps me to feel like I am contributing more that just helping my loved ones get more exercise and hone their cooking skills while they take care of my sorry butt. Mmmm. Cooking. I'm hungry. I hope my own personal Iron Chef gets home soon... but I digress...

Lesson #7

When using crutches, you should be pressing them against your ribs and not leaning into your armpits. My bruised armpits couldn't agree more.

Special thanks to Clare for sharing this extremely valuable bit of info. Sorry she had to have a terrible car accident in which she broke both of her legs and multiple ribs and a bunch of other things... nothing funny about this one.

Lesson #8

Spent the time to find the RIGHT Most Wonderful Boyfriend/Husband/Significant Other in the World. 

Again, trust me. This will make all the difference as to whether this will be a terrible 3-12 week ride, or one that you can turn into humorous blog entries. Or entries that seem humorous to you because of the little white pain killers that probably do a little more than just dull the pain.

More lessons as I continue to learn them. Right now, I think I may work on my hockey skills as I lie down with my foot elevated higher than my head. Or maybe I'll take a nap. Or start knitting. Or register for the Chicago Marathon! Registration opened a half an hour ago! Bye!

There Be Ghosts

Okay- I'm going away from my usual topics and am going to write about something that I don't really believe in. I'd like to say that I don't believe at all, but why write about it, then? For instance, I won't write a blog post about Bigfoot, although right now it is a weekly topic at our household. I'm not a cynical person by nature but some things... yeah...just not happening for me.

I'm not a believer in ghosts. Never really wanted to believe in them, until my Mom passed away. Then I started to wish that they were real. I wanted to believe. Badly. I can't tell you the amount of times I've asked her to give me a sign to let me know that she is still with me- to feel her embrace when I need it the most. I've had a few little things happen that I started to chalk up to it being my Mom trying to reach out to me. I think it was wishful thinking though. I saw things because I wanted to so desperately.

I did see her once. When I was running the Marine Corp Marathon, at about mile 24, there was a woman in the crowd that looked so much like her. She had the same mannerisms. The same stance. She was eating something and leaning over a stand. She looked straight into my eyes and said "You are doing great. You can do it". She smiled at me, and then looked down... and then I lost her. Cue sad music. I felt deeply lost and bewildered at that moment in time. It shook me. I kept thinking "Damn. That sure looked like my Mom". I kept running and it was a welcome distraction to get me through the finish. I told a friend about it a month or so afterwards and said how much this lady reminded me of my Mom. She said "Maybe it was your Mom". Puzzle pieces fitting together suddenly. It all felt right. So... maybe? I choose to believe that it was my Mom. It's the closest thing yet.

But I'm not writing this because of that incident. I am writing this because I do believe that there is a ghost in our house. I don't think it's a mean, movie-kind-of-ghost. Or a sappy help-me-find-my-loved-one ghost.  Or a somebody-done-me-wrong-song kind of ghost. But I feel there is something here.

Twice I have come out of a dead sleep because I felt someone was standing beside me. And I have clearly heard a man speak to me. The first time he said my name. Two nights ago, he said "hello beautiful". Both times it has scared me so badly that I haven't been able to get back to sleep. Both times I thought that someone was in the house and was hiding. I stayed awake, waiting for some kind of movement or the onset of a brutal battle. I've probably read one too many scary books. Both times have been when the night light in the bathroom has burnt out so it is unusually dark in here. It makes me feel like a child again, scared of the dark and paralyzed by fear. But when I really got to thinking about it, I chose to believe that it's a ghost. Sure- it's most likely just my over- tired brain... echos of conversations past. Bits and pieces of memories knitting into a new tapestry.... or... a ghost. A ghost that feels more comfortable when it's just he and I. He also prefers the dark. I've talked myself into feeling a little better about it. While I may be a little bit of a believer now, I still don't believe in bad or mean ghosts. Maybe just a presence that likes to reach out once in awhile. To feel connected to what once was. I don't know. But I'm not as scared now.

...I will be buying new night lights, though. Just sayin'....

Do you believe in ghosts?

Staring the Year Right

Last year was a year of transition and during that year, one of the sacrifices I made was to drastically scale back on running I still managed to run 2 half marathons and a full marathon, with a Warrior Dash in there for good measure. I ran a 5k and won a plaque for being the top female over the age of 40.  But I really let all the rest of it slide. I didn't train and was happy to have completed the races with the times I achieved. I know I could have (and should have) done better. Can't expect to without training though, and I am darn lucky that I didn't get hurt. I had no business running a marathon when my longest training run for it was a half marathon.

I only really started running about 3 years ago. During that time, my runs have consisted of just that. Going out (or in) and just running. Usually I'd set a time or distance and then I'd run until I achieved that. Or a route. But I didn't plan. I trained for my first marathon, but really all I was training for was endurance. Nothing to do with strength or speed. The first time was really just to prove that I could do it. In my second marathon, I ran a better time. But I didn't have the extreme knee pain that I did in the first. And I didn't train. I didn't even keep an eye on my time.

I don't have any great illusion that I'll be a Boston qualifier. I really don't have a desire to do this. Honestly. I love running for the sake of running, and I don't like the exclusiveness of Boston. Maybe it's because I was never an athlete growing up. It's okay that Boston is Boston and has it's rules and prestige. And it's okay that I don't want to do that. We'll both live happily-ever-after without me setting a goal to qualify. But this year, I am setting goals. And I am going to train. Properly.

I am planning on two marathons this year- the Flying Pig in Cincinnati on May 6th, and the Chicago Marathon in October. I'd like to do maybe three half marathons throughout the year. And some local 5ks to keep me on my feet. If anything, they are great for training. I'd like to run with friends. I'd like to inspire a few of them to run and to run with me. I'll say what everyone says... "if I can do it, you can do it". It's the truth, though. You can do anything that you set your mind to doing. This was me about 15 years ago...

My Mom always told me that I could achieve anything as long as I was willing to make the sacrifices necessary to achieve those goals. I firmly believe this. To run, you need to make time (you'll never "find" it), you need to stick to it and not give up after a bad workout, a bad week, month or even year. You need to be realistic and ask for support when you need it. It's not easy. And it's not for everyone. If you give running an honest try for a few months and still hate it then find something that you love and stick with that. It isn't for everyone. There are other sports that you can do that are equally as beneficial as running. For me, it is running. I love it. Love it. I feel so unbelievably good after a great run. It gives me such confidence and a glow that lifts me for hours and hours. I am grateful to be able to run. To have the ability and the support needed to have the time to train. And to have a boyfriend who is a runner himself and understands. It makes it a lot easier!

Anyhow, my marathon goal for the Flying Pig is 4:30:00. Barring injury or long line at a porta-potty again, there is no reason that I cannot do this. I'll set a new goal for Chicago once I complete the Pig. The training has begun!