You know I have to write about this.
Let me preface with the resounding message that I am in a great relationship with someone I love deeply and who treats me like I should be treated- with respect, love, honor, loyalty... you know...kind of what we are all searching for. Or I am, anyway. It's closing in on six months now with Terry. Next week. Thursday, to be exact. And we'll be somewhere fun to celebrate. Watch for photos to follow!
But I want to address something that happened a couple of days ago. I often have said my life reads like a movie of the week. When I think hard on that, there could be several movies of the week based on my life so far. If it weren't my life, I'd probably even watch them. I've touched on some of them in earlier posts. But a new one developed...oooohhh....close to 36 hours ago. And it created an entire movie. I sh*t you not.
I received a private message thru FaceBook on Wednesday from someone who has friend requested me twice in the past six months. My friend list is just friends and family. I had no idea who this man was. I denied it the first time. Second time I replied with the message that I thought he must have me mixed up with someone else, although my name is kinda not common. At all. And denied it.
A couple of months passed. And then Wednesday happened. Whoa.
While I am really tempted to post the entire message he sent me, it was basically "you don't know me but I know a lot about you". I darn near had a heart attack, thinking I picked up a stalker somehow. Ha ha! The long and short of it is, he is the husband of the woman my ex had been seeing for about 2 years... while I lived with him. And if that wasn't hurtful enough, I leaned of second married woman he was seeing (also while I lived with him) prior to the "new" woman...who happens to be her ex best friend. You can probably guess where the "ex best" part comes in. They all work together. Cozy. I wouldn't have believed it, really, because I truly believed, blindly, that of all things he was, the one thing he wasn't...was a cheater. It appears that he was nothing but a cheater. And the best liar I have ever met. I think sociopath fits because he thinks this is all a misunderstanding and he did nothing wrong. He lied to me about every single thing. My whole life with him was an illusion. A big, well orchestrated lie. He lied to the married women he was sleeping with. I've seen screen captures of the messaging they were doing as I was living a happy life with him. Vile, vulgar little animal. Absolutely no resemblance to a man.
To his friends who supported his charade and covered for him - and went out drinking and to sporting events with him and the married women he was sleeping with... shame on you. You all are in the same gutter together. Was it funny to you? Your names were listed in the messaging, too. To all of you who believed that I was the bitch he was portraying me to be- you have all been deceived. The things he was messaging to his girlfriends for the vast majority simply were not true. Probably safe to say that he was feeding the same shit to his friends. As our time together was coming to an end, he told me his family and friends didn't like me. I can see why, if he was telling them the same stories. I was anything but a bitch to him. I am a nice person. I have a huge heart. I am generous. I believe in the good in this world and doing what I can to make the lives of those around me better. I am strong. I am not as smart as I thought I was, obviously. Maybe it's not that I'm not smart. It's that I am naive to how truly heartless and shitty some people can be. My Pollyanna syndrome strikes again. I called him and confronted him with indisputable evidence - and he is still denying that he cheated on me. I've never met a weaker person, ever.
I am thriving. Thankful I'm a year past that relationship. Thankful that I finally know what a good relationship is. Thankful to be loved by a real man. A strong man. A man with morals. A man with character. A man with a big heart. A man who is selfless. A man who builds me up instead of knocking me down. A man who is proud to be with me and doesn't hide me away from the world. A man who I am proud to be with and cannot wait to see each and every day. A man with a wonderful, loving family and friends that are warm and welcoming. I am happy. I thrive. And every day and in every way I grow stronger, walk a little taller with my head held high- holding the hand of a man.
<3 Cat
Friday, June 26, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Double Run Day
6.5 miles today. More than half were done in my lunch hour at a local park (the great outdoors, finally!) and the remainder at Gold's. Double run today, and I'm feeling pretty damn great! Feasted on grilled veggies - loving my little Webber - and grilled chicken wings. Ate a ton of veggies and a few wings, and didn't fill up. First day / night I haven't felt bloated in about 2 months. Yep. Definitely have an allergy or sensitivity to something. Need to pinpoint it, still.
Been getting fluffy the past few months. I need to set a challenge and then crush it. Having a very hard time staying motivated lately. I have a 5k coming up on the 20th and I want to PR for the year. Don't think I'll be in good enough shape for a lifetime PR, but if I really get serious, I can do anything. Don't think I want to be that serious right now. Once Cade goes to NY I can dedicate more time to training. Maybe an early summer, late fall PR breakthrough? All in all, I need to get back to logging everything. That is what keeps me accountable.
<3 Cat
Been getting fluffy the past few months. I need to set a challenge and then crush it. Having a very hard time staying motivated lately. I have a 5k coming up on the 20th and I want to PR for the year. Don't think I'll be in good enough shape for a lifetime PR, but if I really get serious, I can do anything. Don't think I want to be that serious right now. Once Cade goes to NY I can dedicate more time to training. Maybe an early summer, late fall PR breakthrough? All in all, I need to get back to logging everything. That is what keeps me accountable.
<3 Cat
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
And Awaaaay We Go - June?!
Apparently I've been having bucket loads of fun in the past... damn... it's been a long time, hasn't it?
The past few months have had a lot of peaks and valleys. A few races. Trip to Mexico (work and then pleasure, with a wicked cold and a quintuple bypass for my dad while I was two countries deep from him), and a lot of firsts and a few speed bumps along the relationship road. Still smiling! Still madly in love. Lots and lots of self reflection.
My son is going away for an extended summer break with his dad. I'm fully supportive of this and spearheaded it but now as it comes closer to fruition, I'm questioning the sanity of this decision. I'm going to be alone for almost 6 weeks. This will be a true first for me, and I don't think I like it already. I will have the dog. And I'm sure I'll see Terry a lot. Busy summer schedules and I'm seeing a lot of alone time ahead of me. Lots of running. Thinking. I've missed weeks of vacation for the past few years and I'm not going to do that again this year. Going to make the best of everything.
Clearly not in the right head space to write tonight but I'm breaking the silence streak so I can get back to blogging. I miss it. 😊 Every time I start to write I edit so much that I end up ditching it. But I'm a writer. I write when I feel. I've been feeling so much the past couple of months and really should have been letting it out. It starts again, now.
Shine bright. Love big.
❤️ Cat
The past few months have had a lot of peaks and valleys. A few races. Trip to Mexico (work and then pleasure, with a wicked cold and a quintuple bypass for my dad while I was two countries deep from him), and a lot of firsts and a few speed bumps along the relationship road. Still smiling! Still madly in love. Lots and lots of self reflection.
My son is going away for an extended summer break with his dad. I'm fully supportive of this and spearheaded it but now as it comes closer to fruition, I'm questioning the sanity of this decision. I'm going to be alone for almost 6 weeks. This will be a true first for me, and I don't think I like it already. I will have the dog. And I'm sure I'll see Terry a lot. Busy summer schedules and I'm seeing a lot of alone time ahead of me. Lots of running. Thinking. I've missed weeks of vacation for the past few years and I'm not going to do that again this year. Going to make the best of everything.
Clearly not in the right head space to write tonight but I'm breaking the silence streak so I can get back to blogging. I miss it. 😊 Every time I start to write I edit so much that I end up ditching it. But I'm a writer. I write when I feel. I've been feeling so much the past couple of months and really should have been letting it out. It starts again, now.
Shine bright. Love big.
❤️ Cat
Saturday, March 28, 2015
What Makes me Tick
When I was young, I was told that I was not pretty. I was told that I was so stupid that I would be better off if someone murdered me. True story. I didn't want to believe these stories I was told and at times, I didn't. But to rip the scabs off, most of the time, I did believe it. When you tell someone they are something enough times, it starts to manifest; if not physically then psychologically. I tried to stay a step ahead and took a lot of psych and social psych classes to understand why I was so easily manipulated. I do understand. That doesn't mean that I overcame it.
Fast forward. Married a couple of months after I turned 19. I thought I was in love. Thought I was loved. It wasn't a good relationship from the get-go, but I took my vows seriously. This "man" proceeded to break me down emotionally. Nothing I did, said or was, was ever good enough. He thought I was smart, but used it against me. He told me that I was ugly. Fat. He told me that he slept with 30 women while we were together. He always told me about how great other women were. Commented on their body parts. It cracked the outer shell I built to shield myself from my mom. When I turned 25, I took control. I started to starve myself. I did this, very successfully, for about 6 months. I lost over 60 lbs. Friends tried to suggest that maybe I needed help, but I blew it all off and said that I was fine. I got down to 106 lbs. I was wearing girls size 12 clothes. And I still felt fat. But I didn't feel ugly anymore.
I did feel sick. My stomach hurt all the time. I thought about food all the time. I cooked for everyone around me. I exercised as much as I could. I journaled it all. It was a horrible time in my life. I felt so alone and scared. My husband accused me of starving myself to...well...that's another story for another day...but it was devastating. When I started to have strong heart palpitations, I got scared. When my mom told me that my dad was worried about me, my dad, that's when it all fell in on me. When the casing I built around me crashed. So I started to eat again. I binged. Then got scared and... you got it...purged. I decided throwing up wasn't much fun. I turned to laxatives. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Wasn't uncommon for me to take a box of 30 a day. I really wasn't eating that much... I can't tell you how much this all physically hurt me. And it was all mine. I didn't share it with anyone. All I wanted was to feel good about myself. To feel pretty.
I came through it all, only own. I don't recommend that for anyone who may be going through it now. Reach out and ask for help. Much easier with a support system. But I guess my mom was right and I have this desire to be a martyr. I do things on my own. Thankfully, it worked out for me. I am happy in my skin now. I like who I am. I am a lot healthier now, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's been a long and windy road, but I came through the other side. Why am I opening up about all of this right now? Because I write when I am trying to figure things out.
I started this by saying I didn't feel pretty or smart for a large portion of my young life. This imprinted deeply in me. When I hear or see articles about kids, or even adults, going through the same struggles, it touches my soul. Grabs it and squeezes it. As a way for me to cope with this, I like to tell people that they are beautiful. That they are smart. That they are loved. I do it a lot. I compliment a lot. A LOT. Maybe too much at times. I have been told that I am fake. That I do it to make people like me. Neither is true. I do it from my heart. I am sincere in my compliments. I think there is so much shit and negative noise in our world. Too much. I believe in doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. I believe there is something beautiful in everyone. What is beautiful in my eyes may not be beautiful in your eyes. And vise versa. That doesn't mean it's wrong or insincere. Or fake.
I love that I am compassionate. And passionate about making people feel good about themselves. I guess what I need to learn is that not everyone needs this. Some people are fine without being told that they are beautiful and smart and truly special. But what I want them to understand, what I need them to understand, is that I can't change this about me. I can scale it back, but I can't stop because.. this is me. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's what I need to do to pay back the universe for how much I have been hurt in the past. It would be insincere and fake of me to stop. .
Love and light.
<3 Cat
Fast forward. Married a couple of months after I turned 19. I thought I was in love. Thought I was loved. It wasn't a good relationship from the get-go, but I took my vows seriously. This "man" proceeded to break me down emotionally. Nothing I did, said or was, was ever good enough. He thought I was smart, but used it against me. He told me that I was ugly. Fat. He told me that he slept with 30 women while we were together. He always told me about how great other women were. Commented on their body parts. It cracked the outer shell I built to shield myself from my mom. When I turned 25, I took control. I started to starve myself. I did this, very successfully, for about 6 months. I lost over 60 lbs. Friends tried to suggest that maybe I needed help, but I blew it all off and said that I was fine. I got down to 106 lbs. I was wearing girls size 12 clothes. And I still felt fat. But I didn't feel ugly anymore.
I did feel sick. My stomach hurt all the time. I thought about food all the time. I cooked for everyone around me. I exercised as much as I could. I journaled it all. It was a horrible time in my life. I felt so alone and scared. My husband accused me of starving myself to...well...that's another story for another day...but it was devastating. When I started to have strong heart palpitations, I got scared. When my mom told me that my dad was worried about me, my dad, that's when it all fell in on me. When the casing I built around me crashed. So I started to eat again. I binged. Then got scared and... you got it...purged. I decided throwing up wasn't much fun. I turned to laxatives. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Wasn't uncommon for me to take a box of 30 a day. I really wasn't eating that much... I can't tell you how much this all physically hurt me. And it was all mine. I didn't share it with anyone. All I wanted was to feel good about myself. To feel pretty.
I came through it all, only own. I don't recommend that for anyone who may be going through it now. Reach out and ask for help. Much easier with a support system. But I guess my mom was right and I have this desire to be a martyr. I do things on my own. Thankfully, it worked out for me. I am happy in my skin now. I like who I am. I am a lot healthier now, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's been a long and windy road, but I came through the other side. Why am I opening up about all of this right now? Because I write when I am trying to figure things out.
I started this by saying I didn't feel pretty or smart for a large portion of my young life. This imprinted deeply in me. When I hear or see articles about kids, or even adults, going through the same struggles, it touches my soul. Grabs it and squeezes it. As a way for me to cope with this, I like to tell people that they are beautiful. That they are smart. That they are loved. I do it a lot. I compliment a lot. A LOT. Maybe too much at times. I have been told that I am fake. That I do it to make people like me. Neither is true. I do it from my heart. I am sincere in my compliments. I think there is so much shit and negative noise in our world. Too much. I believe in doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. I believe there is something beautiful in everyone. What is beautiful in my eyes may not be beautiful in your eyes. And vise versa. That doesn't mean it's wrong or insincere. Or fake.
I love that I am compassionate. And passionate about making people feel good about themselves. I guess what I need to learn is that not everyone needs this. Some people are fine without being told that they are beautiful and smart and truly special. But what I want them to understand, what I need them to understand, is that I can't change this about me. I can scale it back, but I can't stop because.. this is me. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's what I need to do to pay back the universe for how much I have been hurt in the past. It would be insincere and fake of me to stop. .
Love and light.
<3 Cat
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Top o' the Mornin' to ya!
This past Sunday, I had my first race of the season and first outdoor run since mid October, when I ran the St. Louis Rock n Roll Half Marathon. Training has been inconsistent, and only on a treadmill with zero grade (so no simulated hill climbs). As always, if I don't sign up for races I stop running. I need to have a goal. I haven't found my happy place to run here yet (oh Rockland Lake, how I miss you!), so registering for races is what keeps me going.
The Top 'O the Morning 5k is a great local race. Starts flat and then there is a gradual hill climb for a mile, turn around and run down it for a mile and finish on the flat half mile. I did this race last year and remember enjoying the run. I was solo last year so I arrived, sat in my car listening to music before the race, ran, had a quick beer afterwards, chatted with a few people and then got myself back home. Nice run, but pretty much just a run. The following weekend I ran the St. Louis St. Patrick's Day Parade 5 miler. Early morning drive into the city and much frustration trying to park as they were blocking off every street as I approached. Way earlier than advertised...and I was not able to use my $15 prepaid premium parking ticket because I could not get to parking at 6:30 AM. Race didn't start until 9. SO frustrating. Ran, tripping over the masses. Literally. Quick beer afterwards and then zoomed back home to relieve my sitter. If I would have had someone there with me to share the experience I would have stayed longer but seems silly to spend $10 on a sitter when I'm hanging by myself.
This year? Complete opposite. And I could not be happier. I honestly don't think that I could. See?
That's a photo from the end, but let me start at the beginning...
About a week before this race, as Terry and I were chatting, he mentioned that he wouldn't mind joining me that morning. He said he could give me a ride there and be there for support. Can't put into words how much his offer meant to me. Of course I wanted him to be there, but felt hesitant to ask him because I wasn't sure how excited he'd be about getting up early with a lot of sitting around and waiting tacked onto it. Be he really seemed interested and I was thrilled! As a rule, most of the time I like running by myself because it's my "me" time. Even in a crowd. But honestly, I have always wanted to have someone there for me. Someone to help calm the nerves beforehand and especially, to be there at the end. Terry, was perfect for the job.
He picked me up bright and early. 6:30 AM, which with the start of Daylight Savings Time, felt like 5:30. He packed his truck with everything I could want or need...drinks and warm blankets. We got a great parking spot, and I played my loud, angry music to get in the zone. He calmed my nerves a lot. Prerace, I have a lot of excessive energy and it was so great to have someone to distract me and smile at me and make me feel...special in the best possible way. He was there for me. Completely there for me.
We walked around for a bit just shortly after 8 AM. The race was set to start at 8:30. I joined the Road Warriors last year, which is an amazing running group. Runners in general are a fantastic bunch of people. It is a great community full of supportive, encouraging and inspiring people. The Road Warriors are all of that and more. I'll write more about them in a future post. Before every race, there is a photo of all the warriors at that particular race. We were about 90 strong that day, with more than 75 of us in the photo. Here are a couple that Terry took. <3
It was a little chilly that morning, and he kept me warm in his arms. Stood alongside me at the start. Held my jacket as I ran. And he was waiting for me at the finish line, with a huge smile. As usual, I made my way out of sight to heave and try to not vomit in front of everyone... I push hard at the end and that's typically how I finish...trying not to throw up. :)
He hunted me down and told me how proud of me he was - and how much he was enjoying the experience. He was having fun! Yay! We got our beers...I also grabbed a donut. First donut in ages! Best donut ever. One of the great things about racing is the abundance of food and beverages afterwards, and hanging with the crowd afterwards talking about what you just did and what you have coming up. It was truly, truly wonderful to share this with Terry. And the fact that he enjoyed it so much was icing on the..donut. We had many beers. Watched Irish dancing. Stayed for the drawings...and someone spoiled me just a little (a LOT) with new shoes. Watch for their debut in my entry after the St. Patrick's Day Parade 5 miler coming up this weekend. I have my fingers crossed for that elusive green beer that I've always wanted to try. ;) But you know what will be the best part, hands down? That my guy will be there for me again. <3
I love you to the moon and back, Terry.
<3 Cat
The Top 'O the Morning 5k is a great local race. Starts flat and then there is a gradual hill climb for a mile, turn around and run down it for a mile and finish on the flat half mile. I did this race last year and remember enjoying the run. I was solo last year so I arrived, sat in my car listening to music before the race, ran, had a quick beer afterwards, chatted with a few people and then got myself back home. Nice run, but pretty much just a run. The following weekend I ran the St. Louis St. Patrick's Day Parade 5 miler. Early morning drive into the city and much frustration trying to park as they were blocking off every street as I approached. Way earlier than advertised...and I was not able to use my $15 prepaid premium parking ticket because I could not get to parking at 6:30 AM. Race didn't start until 9. SO frustrating. Ran, tripping over the masses. Literally. Quick beer afterwards and then zoomed back home to relieve my sitter. If I would have had someone there with me to share the experience I would have stayed longer but seems silly to spend $10 on a sitter when I'm hanging by myself.
This year? Complete opposite. And I could not be happier. I honestly don't think that I could. See?
That's a photo from the end, but let me start at the beginning...
About a week before this race, as Terry and I were chatting, he mentioned that he wouldn't mind joining me that morning. He said he could give me a ride there and be there for support. Can't put into words how much his offer meant to me. Of course I wanted him to be there, but felt hesitant to ask him because I wasn't sure how excited he'd be about getting up early with a lot of sitting around and waiting tacked onto it. Be he really seemed interested and I was thrilled! As a rule, most of the time I like running by myself because it's my "me" time. Even in a crowd. But honestly, I have always wanted to have someone there for me. Someone to help calm the nerves beforehand and especially, to be there at the end. Terry, was perfect for the job.
He picked me up bright and early. 6:30 AM, which with the start of Daylight Savings Time, felt like 5:30. He packed his truck with everything I could want or need...drinks and warm blankets. We got a great parking spot, and I played my loud, angry music to get in the zone. He calmed my nerves a lot. Prerace, I have a lot of excessive energy and it was so great to have someone to distract me and smile at me and make me feel...special in the best possible way. He was there for me. Completely there for me.
We walked around for a bit just shortly after 8 AM. The race was set to start at 8:30. I joined the Road Warriors last year, which is an amazing running group. Runners in general are a fantastic bunch of people. It is a great community full of supportive, encouraging and inspiring people. The Road Warriors are all of that and more. I'll write more about them in a future post. Before every race, there is a photo of all the warriors at that particular race. We were about 90 strong that day, with more than 75 of us in the photo. Here are a couple that Terry took. <3
It was a little chilly that morning, and he kept me warm in his arms. Stood alongside me at the start. Held my jacket as I ran. And he was waiting for me at the finish line, with a huge smile. As usual, I made my way out of sight to heave and try to not vomit in front of everyone... I push hard at the end and that's typically how I finish...trying not to throw up. :)
He hunted me down and told me how proud of me he was - and how much he was enjoying the experience. He was having fun! Yay! We got our beers...I also grabbed a donut. First donut in ages! Best donut ever. One of the great things about racing is the abundance of food and beverages afterwards, and hanging with the crowd afterwards talking about what you just did and what you have coming up. It was truly, truly wonderful to share this with Terry. And the fact that he enjoyed it so much was icing on the..donut. We had many beers. Watched Irish dancing. Stayed for the drawings...and someone spoiled me just a little (a LOT) with new shoes. Watch for their debut in my entry after the St. Patrick's Day Parade 5 miler coming up this weekend. I have my fingers crossed for that elusive green beer that I've always wanted to try. ;) But you know what will be the best part, hands down? That my guy will be there for me again. <3
<3 Cat
Saturday, February 14, 2015
My Wonderful Valentine
I have been on the oft referenced Cloud 9 for more than 6 weeks now. Forty three days, to be precise. I can honestly say that I've never felt like this. I have been in love before - but it's never been anything like this and I, from time to time, can't get my head wrapped around it. Being loved back the same way that you love someone is just simply... divine.
My Valentine spoiled me very much. More that I could ever dream. I felt like I was in a movie... a great love story that just got better and better. Flowers and a card. A beautiful room in the city with a breathtaking view. Wine. Chocolate. New shoes. Boots. Dresses. A sweater. Lacy things. All purchased ahead of time and beautifully arranged in the room. A terrific meal. Drinks on the roof top. A wonderful breakfast. Over the top and very, very much appreciated. This has been a better Valentine's Day than all the ones in my past rolled up together. It's not about the stuff (although I'm not going to lie... it was wonderful being spoiled like that)...it's about the thought. My Valentine thinks about me. That's the difference. I know it makes him happy to make me happy, but the fact that he really cares about my happiness and puts it above his, just...well... leaves me speechless and breathless. And floating.... up on that cloud.
I love you, Terry. You've made me believe in true love again.
<3 Cat
My Valentine spoiled me very much. More that I could ever dream. I felt like I was in a movie... a great love story that just got better and better. Flowers and a card. A beautiful room in the city with a breathtaking view. Wine. Chocolate. New shoes. Boots. Dresses. A sweater. Lacy things. All purchased ahead of time and beautifully arranged in the room. A terrific meal. Drinks on the roof top. A wonderful breakfast. Over the top and very, very much appreciated. This has been a better Valentine's Day than all the ones in my past rolled up together. It's not about the stuff (although I'm not going to lie... it was wonderful being spoiled like that)...it's about the thought. My Valentine thinks about me. That's the difference. I know it makes him happy to make me happy, but the fact that he really cares about my happiness and puts it above his, just...well... leaves me speechless and breathless. And floating.... up on that cloud.
I love you, Terry. You've made me believe in true love again.
<3 Cat
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
All About Me Now!!!
OK, Cat Lovers! So who am I really? Good question…the four window panes of Johari’s Window is an enigma. One pane is that which I know about me and that which others know about me. Pretty simple and surface shallow right? The second pane is that which I know about me that others do not know. Ah, yes, my secrets that I shall never share. Then there’s the third pane of that which I don’t know about me and others don’t know…haven’t truly figured that one out yet…and probably really don’t care to…might be a bit scary, LOL. But, then there's the fourth and final pane…the one many of us, whether you know Johari’s Window or not, are usually most curious about. That which I do not know about myself, but others do know about me! Really? I wanna know....Is there something about me that others know that I don’t know? Ya, evidently! So, there has been enlightenment, YAY as I say! I’ve had the opportunity to find a person who is open and honest to tell me everything that I’m not supposed to know about myself. So, here is who I am!
I am a beautiful spirit! I’m usually calm and collected, but I do have fight in me. Mess with my Cade or my Pino…and you’re in for a fight. I have a very loving heart. I’ve been hurt many times in the past, but I cannot and will not let that ever hold me back from who I am or define me as a woman. I’m a runner! Not because I have to, but because it’s my solace, my peace, and my happy place where I can feel alive, experience life, and dream of that which I am deserving of! (Prepositional phrase, FIDO, Lt McCleary, USMC, acronym) I have so much love to give and want to experience all that life has to give. Am I in love? Yep! Am I happy? Yep! Have I reached self-actualization? Not sure, but I believe it couldn’t get any better than this (oh contraire dear, some may beg to differ). I am beautiful, inside and out! I have these sexy expressions I make with my face without knowing it when I’m talking to the man I want to be with. I have the most beautiful smile…don’t be haters, it’s unbecoming and relative! I love deeply and I hurt deeply…but I am still a perfect woman!
And who knows this and whose heart has this entire enlightenment come from? Me? No, not the Cat! I am the man who is in love with Cat…me…Terry! Any questions? I didn’t think so, because I’m sure I haven’t said anything anyone who loves this woman doesn’t already know…Thank you for allowing me to be a “guest blogger”…
Cat, I am so in love with you…you are the perfect woman…for me! Happy 1st Valentine’s Day my love!
XOXO – Terry
P.S. Well I guess I’m out there now, eh?
I Heart Valentine's Day
I do.
I guess I bought into it when I was a little girl and fell in love with the heart shaped boxes of chocolates that adorned the shelves of departments stores, grocery stores and drug stores every February. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to have someone special to share this day with...a day to just celebrate love.
Yes... every day should be a day to celebrate love. It shouldn't have to be on one certain day of the year. And I do think it is far too commercial, just as most "holidays" are now. Is it more special to receive flowers just because someone was thinking of you and wanted to pick you a flower or pick one (or two or a dozen) up along the way home? Yes. But I also think it is important to celebrate a day that is designated as "the" day. It doesn't have to be huge and over-blown. It doesn't have to be bigger and better or expensive at all. Truthfully, I don't want that box of chocolates any longer. What I want is a declaration of love. It can be a card. Handmade or not. It can be a note. A text. A call. A dinner out or a dinner in. Something to let me know that my someone special knows that Valentine's Day is important to me. You see, that is where I think that a lot of people go wrong.
I have had some very bad Valentine's Days. Full out, broken hearted sobbing on my part. Why? Well, a few of my relationships were with men that didn't believe in Valentine's Day. They thought it was stupid and commercial and that they could be romantic any day of the year - it shouldn't have to be on a day that was dictated to them. I have a couple of issues with this. One: as mentioned above, the day wasn't important to them, but... BUT... it was important to me. I spent far too many years of my life telling myself that it was fine to give up on what I wanted because someone else didn't think it was important. If it's important to me, it should be important enough to them to put in the effort to write me a note or make a card. I've never asked for the moon. Second; that "romance" that they led me to believe could be done any day of the year never really materialized.
I understand that the first year in a relationship you are really learning about the other person and what is and isn't important to them. But once you get to the second cycle and it happens again, it's a very real indication of how it will always be. That first Valentine's Day with my first husband where I spent hours and hours preparing a special meal with a handmade card and he didn't bother to show up until 10 pm and was drunk and mad at me for being upset...was a great indicator of future Valentine's Days (and many other days too, actually). The last couple of Valentine's Days were epically not great as well. It all boils down to the fact that the day just wasn't important to them. It really doesn't have to be. But I think that in a good and balanced relationship, if something is that important to someone you just make the effort. I do. There are things that are important to those special people in my life that I might not love, or even like much, but if it's important to them I will make an effort. Most importantly, I will not ruin it for them. Because I don't love something doesn't mean that it is stupid or not important.
This year is different. This year, something has been planned for me. Really for me. I'm not being tacked on to someone else's plans. Not having someone running out at last minute because they feel obligated and pressured by society. And not simply ignored because "it's not important". I have someone in my life who gets it. Who gets me. How lucky am I? So lucky in so many ways. So blessed and grateful for it. And this year I am really, really looking forward to Valentine's Day. Not for "things" because it's never been about that. It's for the open heart that is cradling mine. And the open arms that accept mine. It's because of this free fall that I have been on for almost six weeks now. This is a beautiful life when you truly find a same soul. A Valentine. My Valentine.
<3 Cat
I guess I bought into it when I was a little girl and fell in love with the heart shaped boxes of chocolates that adorned the shelves of departments stores, grocery stores and drug stores every February. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to have someone special to share this day with...a day to just celebrate love.
Yes... every day should be a day to celebrate love. It shouldn't have to be on one certain day of the year. And I do think it is far too commercial, just as most "holidays" are now. Is it more special to receive flowers just because someone was thinking of you and wanted to pick you a flower or pick one (or two or a dozen) up along the way home? Yes. But I also think it is important to celebrate a day that is designated as "the" day. It doesn't have to be huge and over-blown. It doesn't have to be bigger and better or expensive at all. Truthfully, I don't want that box of chocolates any longer. What I want is a declaration of love. It can be a card. Handmade or not. It can be a note. A text. A call. A dinner out or a dinner in. Something to let me know that my someone special knows that Valentine's Day is important to me. You see, that is where I think that a lot of people go wrong.
I have had some very bad Valentine's Days. Full out, broken hearted sobbing on my part. Why? Well, a few of my relationships were with men that didn't believe in Valentine's Day. They thought it was stupid and commercial and that they could be romantic any day of the year - it shouldn't have to be on a day that was dictated to them. I have a couple of issues with this. One: as mentioned above, the day wasn't important to them, but... BUT... it was important to me. I spent far too many years of my life telling myself that it was fine to give up on what I wanted because someone else didn't think it was important. If it's important to me, it should be important enough to them to put in the effort to write me a note or make a card. I've never asked for the moon. Second; that "romance" that they led me to believe could be done any day of the year never really materialized.
I understand that the first year in a relationship you are really learning about the other person and what is and isn't important to them. But once you get to the second cycle and it happens again, it's a very real indication of how it will always be. That first Valentine's Day with my first husband where I spent hours and hours preparing a special meal with a handmade card and he didn't bother to show up until 10 pm and was drunk and mad at me for being upset...was a great indicator of future Valentine's Days (and many other days too, actually). The last couple of Valentine's Days were epically not great as well. It all boils down to the fact that the day just wasn't important to them. It really doesn't have to be. But I think that in a good and balanced relationship, if something is that important to someone you just make the effort. I do. There are things that are important to those special people in my life that I might not love, or even like much, but if it's important to them I will make an effort. Most importantly, I will not ruin it for them. Because I don't love something doesn't mean that it is stupid or not important.
This year is different. This year, something has been planned for me. Really for me. I'm not being tacked on to someone else's plans. Not having someone running out at last minute because they feel obligated and pressured by society. And not simply ignored because "it's not important". I have someone in my life who gets it. Who gets me. How lucky am I? So lucky in so many ways. So blessed and grateful for it. And this year I am really, really looking forward to Valentine's Day. Not for "things" because it's never been about that. It's for the open heart that is cradling mine. And the open arms that accept mine. It's because of this free fall that I have been on for almost six weeks now. This is a beautiful life when you truly find a same soul. A Valentine. My Valentine.
<3 Cat
Friday, February 6, 2015
Coming Soon... a Guest Blogger!
I suggested that my guy write a guest post for this blog...and I think he is going take me up on it. His condition is that I am not allowed to read it until after I post it. I agreed, of course. But I've had a day to think about it now and it is striking a little fear in my heart. :) Oh no! What is he going to write about? Why doesn't he want me to read it first? Even if I promise to not edit anything?? What have I done???
This morning I took a deep breath, and pondered it as I had a long run on the treadmill. Have I mentioned that when I run I love to work things out in my head? So today, I worked that out. What I came up with is... I have written about him a few times. I've written about a few of you from time to time. And I don't run what I write past anyone before I post anything. I am guilty of over-editing myself most of the time and leaving out the really meaty parts, but I always try to think of the feelings of the person I am writing about. Sometimes I fail but I think I get it right most of the time. So why am I so concerned with what my guy may write? Well. Probably for the same reason that my posts about him make him a little uncomfortable.
You see, along with being the most loving, caring, thoughtful and AMAZING man in the WORLD, he is also very, very humble. Extremely selfless. Very much a giver and uncomfortable being a taker. To a fault, I might even say. Don't get me wrong- these are very admirable and beautiful traits in a person. They are also ones I am certainly not used to, not in this combination at least. He is confident, but not arrogant. I love all of this- I love every piece of the puzzle that he is. He asked me what I would change about him if I could change anything and I honestly, honestly would not change a single thing. I find myself just staring at him and getting lost in the way he looks at me, what he says to me, how he treats me, they way he views life and relationships... I found my Prince Charming. There is no doubt in my mind.
So. If his post is about me, or us... I will probably feel like he feels when I write about him, which is a nice, but slightly uncomfortable experience because he is so focused on making other people happy that is is hard for him to just sit back and accept praise. It's not easy to give up control of what other people may write about you or your relationship. He has assured me he is fine with it - but I believe it's a little hard for him at the same time. And I understand that. And you know what? I am going to let him write about what ever his heart desires to write about. I do want you to know that it will be unedited and I will read it for the first time once it is posted. And I am okay with this.
...I just hope he doesn't confide that he really has a million spiders in his basement dressed like clowns... but then again, better to know now that later!!!
<3 Cat
This morning I took a deep breath, and pondered it as I had a long run on the treadmill. Have I mentioned that when I run I love to work things out in my head? So today, I worked that out. What I came up with is... I have written about him a few times. I've written about a few of you from time to time. And I don't run what I write past anyone before I post anything. I am guilty of over-editing myself most of the time and leaving out the really meaty parts, but I always try to think of the feelings of the person I am writing about. Sometimes I fail but I think I get it right most of the time. So why am I so concerned with what my guy may write? Well. Probably for the same reason that my posts about him make him a little uncomfortable.
You see, along with being the most loving, caring, thoughtful and AMAZING man in the WORLD, he is also very, very humble. Extremely selfless. Very much a giver and uncomfortable being a taker. To a fault, I might even say. Don't get me wrong- these are very admirable and beautiful traits in a person. They are also ones I am certainly not used to, not in this combination at least. He is confident, but not arrogant. I love all of this- I love every piece of the puzzle that he is. He asked me what I would change about him if I could change anything and I honestly, honestly would not change a single thing. I find myself just staring at him and getting lost in the way he looks at me, what he says to me, how he treats me, they way he views life and relationships... I found my Prince Charming. There is no doubt in my mind.
So. If his post is about me, or us... I will probably feel like he feels when I write about him, which is a nice, but slightly uncomfortable experience because he is so focused on making other people happy that is is hard for him to just sit back and accept praise. It's not easy to give up control of what other people may write about you or your relationship. He has assured me he is fine with it - but I believe it's a little hard for him at the same time. And I understand that. And you know what? I am going to let him write about what ever his heart desires to write about. I do want you to know that it will be unedited and I will read it for the first time once it is posted. And I am okay with this.
...I just hope he doesn't confide that he really has a million spiders in his basement dressed like clowns... but then again, better to know now that later!!!
<3 Cat
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
There be...Cats
I've been dabbling with zen tangles since last spring. My dad's girlfriend introduced them to me, and I fell hard and fast for this art form. Google it to see some great examples, but its basically doodling in patterns. Love to doodle, and I get lost in patterns. What a beautiful marriage! I started off slowly and had fun playing but never really felt like I achieved lift off. When I did carve out some time, I'd lose track of time and I fell into the shapes and patterns. This is a great form of meditation for me.
This past Boxing Day, or December 26th, I drew my first Zen Cat. I received a new zen doodle book from my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas and it inspired me to pick up my book, pencil, ERASER, and ink pens again. I liked the idea of cats because of the obvious play on my name, plus they come in so many pattern. Not that any of my cats look anything similar to a real cat...but you get the idea. To start, these cats do represent me. I'm starting to put more thought into them before I start drawing now so I have elements of my feelings incorporated in them. I'm starting to add just a splash of color, playing with water color pencils. These drawings take 3 to 5 hours to complete. I know that sounds crazy. But it is a slow process and I get up from time to time to refill my wine glass. :-). I start with pencil to get the shapes and spaces the way I want them to be. Then I outline with one of my fine point markers. I have 8 different styles of markers, depending on how fine I want the detail. If I put music on and sit on the floor or at the kitchen table, I get completely lost in what I'm doing. It's relaxing and peaceful. They bring me joy.
With all of the good in my life right now and the fact that I am back to running and working out...and I'm also knitting again, I can't say that I really need to tangle. But it is another great outlet that I have found for those times that I am working something out, or wanting to share my joy with the world. It's nice to have ways to connect with your core. With your essence. With your joy or sorrow and to just feel. When I look at these drawings now, I can hear the music I was listening to and feel the feelings I had at the time. I think that art evokes emotions in the eye of the beholder, but it also primarily evokes emotions in the person that created it. What I draw or write is a personal expression. And the way someone else views it is based of where they are on their path of life. That's the great thing about art. It means something different to everyone.
To be clear, these are just beginning drawings. I learn more every time I create one and I'm learning to be more mindful as I create. My next step is to add a couple additional animals into the rotation so I can start story telling. I drew an elephants for a special lady. With the addition of a few extra elements, it really got me thinking as to where I can go with this. I think there is a story here. An illustrated one.
Below is the collection so far...
<3 Cat
 |
| First Cat, 12/26/145 |
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| 12/31/14 |
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| 12/27/14 |
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| 1/30/1 |
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| 2/4/15 |
For Bev <3 2/1/15
Monday, February 2, 2015
Goodbye Joyous January... Welcome Fabulous February!
One month of lots of laugher, terrific conversations lasting until 4 AM, new beginnings, surprises, wonderful food and drink...and almost 10 lbs added to my frame. Ak! Love is great! It's fun! It's making me dizzy and happy and childlike...and my clothes aren't fitting anymore... Lions and tigers and bears... oh my...
Yesterday I started three 30 day challenges - arms, abs and squats. Committed to a minimum of a 100 mile run month. And back to my veggies and low-gluten way of eating. For the most part. ;) As long as I stay working out and maybe getting a little more sleep than I have been, I can afford a few cheats here and there. Time to start signing up for races and stick to training. And still be madly in love with this wonderful man that holds my heart.
Last evening as we were chatting on the phone, I mentioned that I am ready for the warmer weather so I could be done with scraping my windshield. I really don't have anything to complain about - our winter has not been bad at all. But this is my ice scraper...
Yep - it's a Lego square that my son brought out one day to scrape the windows. It works with the frost; not so great with the thicker ice. I only have one key for my car, so defrosting consists of sitting in my car while everything melts. Brr :) About a half an hour after ending our call...knock knock knocking on Cat's door. Another brown paper bag! Very thoughtful, delicious surprises. And. AND. A real ice scraper and de-icing spray for my windows! Didn't even know de-icing spray existed. A quick, 10 minute visit - but this is my beautiful reality now. He continually surprises me with kindness and thoughtfulness and he really, really makes me feel like I am loved.
I have a hard time writing about this without deleting half of what I've written. Trying hard to keep my feet on the ground and head out of the clouds, but it's proving much more difficult that I thought it could be. And I like it. A lot.
<3 Namaste.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
A Beautiful Beginning...that almost didn't happen...
January 2nd, 2015. A new year. A new beginning...and a date set up for 6:45 at the Wine Tap in Belleville. I'd never been to the Wine Tap before and I was thrilled to be going somewhere I could dress up a little. I work in the fashion industry. I have a closet full of dresses and pretty shoes and I've not had a lot of opportunity since moving here to dress up. So I picked out a new LBD (little black dress in case you aren't familiar with the term, or missed the earlier blog post about dresses) and wore my Tiffany blue heels and arrived about 10 minutes early. I like early. Not too early, but early enough that I'm not stressed. I sashayed (yep!) into the Wine Tap with a big smile on my face and enough nervousness making my heart beat a little askew. But it was a good feeling.
He wasn't there yet. I explained the hostess that I was meeting someone and would wait for him at the bar, which is right there as you walk in. She asked me if it was a blind date. Strange question. Not blind, I explained, but it was a first date. She smiled and told me to take a seat. I ordered a glass of pinot noir and a glass of water, and settled in to calm my nerves a bit.
Five minutes went by. Ten minutes went by. Fifteen. Oh oh. Twenty. He's now ten minutes late. What?! Am I being stood up? Is this a new first for me? I checked my phone for the 172nd time aaaaand... nope...no call. No text. Cue cricket sounds. So.. I texted a couple of friends in a panic saying I thought I was being stood up. Emailed my dad, who is in Mexico for three months, to let him know the same thing. Soon I would have been calling my friend Shirl back in BC. She is the one who gets phone calls from me when I'm crying. I even called her from Mexico when I needed someone to talk to. But thankfully, my phone rang and his name popped up.
I know I didn't sound my usual happy self. Was expecting to hear an excuse as to why he couldn't meet me. This was fifteen minutes after we were supposed to meet. He was talking a mile a minute. Something about a dog and getting wet and having to change...but there was music playing in the background at the bar and I couldn't really hear him. I did hear him ask me to wait for him. He said he'd be there in a half an hour. I agreed to wait. The bar staff was being very friendly, I hadn't finished my wine and I wasn't ready to walk away just yet. The hostess came up to me and I mentioned that he was running a little late and should be there by 7:30. She smiled at me, and explained that he had called earlier and explained that this was our first date and that he wanted to best table so we could talk and get to know each other. There was a reserved sign on the table that she pointed to. The sign was on the table before I got there. This wasn't something that he had just done. He really put thought into the date beforehand. Hmmm. This was new. I felt myself start to relax again. Deep breath.
He arrived right before 7:30. I felt the door open behind me. I took a moment and turned towards the door. The air went out of the room. Whoosh! He had his head down a little and looked up at me with a look of "forgive me?" on his face. He looked...nervous. Extremely handsome. Grabbed my heart right there and then. Shook it off internally and got out of my seat to hug him hello. O.M.G.
Want to hear the story as to why he was late? His son's dog got off her lead and bolted off for a nice Chariots of Fire run. I have a dog. I understand the panic this creates. He spent some time running through cornfields trying to get her back. His clothes got wet. His phone was back at the house. A perfect storm of lateness. Charming story, very well told. But he was so nervous and visibly shaken. Could not apologize enough. I couldn't convince him that it was okay, that I understood, so I decided to make a piece of pizza jump off my plate, hit me on the shoulder and fling itself dangerously close to the diners beside us. Just to break the tension. I'm good that way. :) Okay, I actually didn't do it on purpose, but it did happen. He got a good laugh out of it and it finally released the tension valve. And I'm glad my dorkiness came out to play so early on, as he shouldn't be surprised when things like this happen going forward, right? Fair warning...
We spent a couple of hours eating and drinking and laughing. It was comfortable. It was electric. There were major lightening bolts. I knew early on that I was in trouble because I was completely enamored. Hold back, Cat.
I asked if he would drive me home, as I had a little too much wine to drive home safely. Perfect gentleman, he agreed to drive me home and then take me to my car the next morning. On the way home we passed a local dive bar that I had never been to. Application of brakes and shortly after, we are inside talking to the regulars and continuing the date. This man is someone very special.
As he dropped me at my door, he handed me a brown paper bag. I opened it once inside and after my sitter went home. Inside was a beautifully written note (I read it daily). This was a first date gift. Three books that we had talked about on the phone, which he was lending me. Thoughtful...and he listens to me. A jar of homemade salsa. This man can cook!!! More to come on that in later posts. But the fact that he gave me something that he made...wow. And it was fantastic, by the way. Lastly, there was a cord for my son's laptop that I told him I was going to purchase the next day. My son's dog chewed through two cords and I made little man wait a few months to appreciate the fact that laptop cords don't grow on trees... This was something I had shared with T during one of our conversations earlier in the week. Again, he listens. And he acts. Honestly, this first date gesture made me cry. He put this together beforehand. I still have a hard time articulating this. This simply blew me away. Right out of the water. And every day since, every day since, this first date, I thank God for who He has brought into my life.
A great beginning and a wonderful month since that first time I set eyes on him. Cannot wait to see what's behind the next corner. I do know that it will be wonderful.
<3
He wasn't there yet. I explained the hostess that I was meeting someone and would wait for him at the bar, which is right there as you walk in. She asked me if it was a blind date. Strange question. Not blind, I explained, but it was a first date. She smiled and told me to take a seat. I ordered a glass of pinot noir and a glass of water, and settled in to calm my nerves a bit.
Five minutes went by. Ten minutes went by. Fifteen. Oh oh. Twenty. He's now ten minutes late. What?! Am I being stood up? Is this a new first for me? I checked my phone for the 172nd time aaaaand... nope...no call. No text. Cue cricket sounds. So.. I texted a couple of friends in a panic saying I thought I was being stood up. Emailed my dad, who is in Mexico for three months, to let him know the same thing. Soon I would have been calling my friend Shirl back in BC. She is the one who gets phone calls from me when I'm crying. I even called her from Mexico when I needed someone to talk to. But thankfully, my phone rang and his name popped up.
I know I didn't sound my usual happy self. Was expecting to hear an excuse as to why he couldn't meet me. This was fifteen minutes after we were supposed to meet. He was talking a mile a minute. Something about a dog and getting wet and having to change...but there was music playing in the background at the bar and I couldn't really hear him. I did hear him ask me to wait for him. He said he'd be there in a half an hour. I agreed to wait. The bar staff was being very friendly, I hadn't finished my wine and I wasn't ready to walk away just yet. The hostess came up to me and I mentioned that he was running a little late and should be there by 7:30. She smiled at me, and explained that he had called earlier and explained that this was our first date and that he wanted to best table so we could talk and get to know each other. There was a reserved sign on the table that she pointed to. The sign was on the table before I got there. This wasn't something that he had just done. He really put thought into the date beforehand. Hmmm. This was new. I felt myself start to relax again. Deep breath.
He arrived right before 7:30. I felt the door open behind me. I took a moment and turned towards the door. The air went out of the room. Whoosh! He had his head down a little and looked up at me with a look of "forgive me?" on his face. He looked...nervous. Extremely handsome. Grabbed my heart right there and then. Shook it off internally and got out of my seat to hug him hello. O.M.G.
Want to hear the story as to why he was late? His son's dog got off her lead and bolted off for a nice Chariots of Fire run. I have a dog. I understand the panic this creates. He spent some time running through cornfields trying to get her back. His clothes got wet. His phone was back at the house. A perfect storm of lateness. Charming story, very well told. But he was so nervous and visibly shaken. Could not apologize enough. I couldn't convince him that it was okay, that I understood, so I decided to make a piece of pizza jump off my plate, hit me on the shoulder and fling itself dangerously close to the diners beside us. Just to break the tension. I'm good that way. :) Okay, I actually didn't do it on purpose, but it did happen. He got a good laugh out of it and it finally released the tension valve. And I'm glad my dorkiness came out to play so early on, as he shouldn't be surprised when things like this happen going forward, right? Fair warning...
We spent a couple of hours eating and drinking and laughing. It was comfortable. It was electric. There were major lightening bolts. I knew early on that I was in trouble because I was completely enamored. Hold back, Cat.
I asked if he would drive me home, as I had a little too much wine to drive home safely. Perfect gentleman, he agreed to drive me home and then take me to my car the next morning. On the way home we passed a local dive bar that I had never been to. Application of brakes and shortly after, we are inside talking to the regulars and continuing the date. This man is someone very special.
As he dropped me at my door, he handed me a brown paper bag. I opened it once inside and after my sitter went home. Inside was a beautifully written note (I read it daily). This was a first date gift. Three books that we had talked about on the phone, which he was lending me. Thoughtful...and he listens to me. A jar of homemade salsa. This man can cook!!! More to come on that in later posts. But the fact that he gave me something that he made...wow. And it was fantastic, by the way. Lastly, there was a cord for my son's laptop that I told him I was going to purchase the next day. My son's dog chewed through two cords and I made little man wait a few months to appreciate the fact that laptop cords don't grow on trees... This was something I had shared with T during one of our conversations earlier in the week. Again, he listens. And he acts. Honestly, this first date gesture made me cry. He put this together beforehand. I still have a hard time articulating this. This simply blew me away. Right out of the water. And every day since, every day since, this first date, I thank God for who He has brought into my life.
A great beginning and a wonderful month since that first time I set eyes on him. Cannot wait to see what's behind the next corner. I do know that it will be wonderful.
<3
Monday, January 26, 2015
Online Dating
It's not easy meeting people when you work from home. I go out with my friends for drinks from time to time, and that's certainly not a place to meet men. Not my gig, anyhow. When I'm out with the girls I'm out with the girls. Guys aren't a part of that (unless it's a couples night). The only other place I frequent often is my local gym, but honestly, when I'm there I am there to work out. I am so focused on what I'm doing I couldn't even tell you if the person on the treadmill next to me is a guy or girl. Totally serious about that. I'm there to sweat as much as possible - and then get the heck out of there as fast as possible because I need a shower and prefer to do that at home and not linger around the locker room. I usually have to pick Cade up from the Kids Club, too, so I really do run in, run while there and then run out. Not going to meet anyone like that.
So. What to do? I heard of people having success with online dating, but frankly, it scared the heck out of me. Besides my cool friends who have had success...who signs up for those sites?! Anti-social weirdos, right? Well...maybe not so. Maybe I was a little quick to judge. But in my defense, the anti-social weirdos are definitely out there and online. Just saying'.
I checked out a few online sites and settled on match.com. What could it hurt? It might get me out and back into the dating world. I was beyond scared, and kinda felt like there might just be something wrong with me that I was resorting to looking for Mr. Right online. I chose a 3 month membership. Set up my profile and... within a week I cancelled. The emails and notification and views and winks totally overwhelmed me. What had I got myself into?! The people that I was being matched with? I swear a full three quarters of them were recently on parole and hadn't seen a hairbrush toothbrush or bar of soap within the past year. And they looked mean. Not a hint of a smile on their face. Their (ed.note...like how I had a big screaming "THERE" before I went back in to proof...doh!) profile were bare-bones and full of typos and huge, screaming grammatical errors. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I tried to be polite in the beginning and send quick "little-thank-you-but-I'm-not-interested" notes, trying to not hurt feelings. Oh boy, did I get some rude replies back! Here were a few of my insights if you are so inclined to check out online dating...
1. Don't post photos of yourself with your ex. Really don't post photos of yourself with your ex obviously cut out. Why do that? Why?
2. Post at least one photo. Maybe a half a dozen. A dozen is okay. Three hundred and ten of them? Not okay. The little default silhouette? Not okay.
3. Please, please, please...don't do the bathroom selfies. You know the ones... shot in a bathroom mirror, serious expression. The ones where you see the phone in the photo. And the bathroom sink. And the toilet/urinal. Nothing says "I'm your Mr. Right" like a toilet in the background. Sorry, I am sure there are millions of women that like this, because 9 out of 10 guys have such photos in their profiles, but I'm not one of of those women.
4. If you aren't smiling in your profile photo I expect that you don't smile much in life. For me, this means not a chance. Sorry!
5. You don't need to write a novel when you compose your profile blurb. It know it's not easy to write about yourself to a group of complete strangers. But it's through this blurb that I get an idea of who you are through your style and the words you chose. And whether you can spell. Or use the correct to, two and too... Lack of bio and poor spelling/bad grammar and I'm not interested. I know there is someone out there for you. I'm not her.
6. If you have a crappy attitude in your bio (you rant about past experiences), chill out! Who in their right mind would be attracted to that? You are combative right from the start. Just stop, already.
I did end up going out with three different guys. Had enjoyable dates but no lightening bolts. Interesting people and they were exactly as they portrayed themselves to be, which was reassuring. I have a few friends that use online dating and the stories they have about meeting people who were nothing like their profiles or photos made me laugh out loud. I think I was fortunate in screening out a lot of the nuts. But back to the dates- there was no real chemistry. I reactivated my account (when it's prepaid and you cancel, you are still matched up. They try to keep you hooked in this way). In the last two weeks of my membership, I received a flood of emails from guys that seemed really decent. I think this is done on purpose to lure you back in. I received one email on December 28th that for some reason, just grabbed me. He was actually local (not in Missouri) and was traveling back home from spending the holidays with relatives. He reached out to me before he got on the road to head back home and said he'd check his mail when he got home. There was just something there. Something below the surface. We emailed back and forth, then texted and then talked on the phone. We agreed to meet for a first date on January 2nd. That is when the world turned wonderfully upside down for me. Lightening bolts! :) To be continued... <3
So. What to do? I heard of people having success with online dating, but frankly, it scared the heck out of me. Besides my cool friends who have had success...who signs up for those sites?! Anti-social weirdos, right? Well...maybe not so. Maybe I was a little quick to judge. But in my defense, the anti-social weirdos are definitely out there and online. Just saying'.
I checked out a few online sites and settled on match.com. What could it hurt? It might get me out and back into the dating world. I was beyond scared, and kinda felt like there might just be something wrong with me that I was resorting to looking for Mr. Right online. I chose a 3 month membership. Set up my profile and... within a week I cancelled. The emails and notification and views and winks totally overwhelmed me. What had I got myself into?! The people that I was being matched with? I swear a full three quarters of them were recently on parole and hadn't seen a hairbrush toothbrush or bar of soap within the past year. And they looked mean. Not a hint of a smile on their face. Their (ed.note...like how I had a big screaming "THERE" before I went back in to proof...doh!) profile were bare-bones and full of typos and huge, screaming grammatical errors. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I tried to be polite in the beginning and send quick "little-thank-you-but-I'm-not-interested" notes, trying to not hurt feelings. Oh boy, did I get some rude replies back! Here were a few of my insights if you are so inclined to check out online dating...
1. Don't post photos of yourself with your ex. Really don't post photos of yourself with your ex obviously cut out. Why do that? Why?
2. Post at least one photo. Maybe a half a dozen. A dozen is okay. Three hundred and ten of them? Not okay. The little default silhouette? Not okay.
3. Please, please, please...don't do the bathroom selfies. You know the ones... shot in a bathroom mirror, serious expression. The ones where you see the phone in the photo. And the bathroom sink. And the toilet/urinal. Nothing says "I'm your Mr. Right" like a toilet in the background. Sorry, I am sure there are millions of women that like this, because 9 out of 10 guys have such photos in their profiles, but I'm not one of of those women.
4. If you aren't smiling in your profile photo I expect that you don't smile much in life. For me, this means not a chance. Sorry!
5. You don't need to write a novel when you compose your profile blurb. It know it's not easy to write about yourself to a group of complete strangers. But it's through this blurb that I get an idea of who you are through your style and the words you chose. And whether you can spell. Or use the correct to, two and too... Lack of bio and poor spelling/bad grammar and I'm not interested. I know there is someone out there for you. I'm not her.
6. If you have a crappy attitude in your bio (you rant about past experiences), chill out! Who in their right mind would be attracted to that? You are combative right from the start. Just stop, already.
I did end up going out with three different guys. Had enjoyable dates but no lightening bolts. Interesting people and they were exactly as they portrayed themselves to be, which was reassuring. I have a few friends that use online dating and the stories they have about meeting people who were nothing like their profiles or photos made me laugh out loud. I think I was fortunate in screening out a lot of the nuts. But back to the dates- there was no real chemistry. I reactivated my account (when it's prepaid and you cancel, you are still matched up. They try to keep you hooked in this way). In the last two weeks of my membership, I received a flood of emails from guys that seemed really decent. I think this is done on purpose to lure you back in. I received one email on December 28th that for some reason, just grabbed me. He was actually local (not in Missouri) and was traveling back home from spending the holidays with relatives. He reached out to me before he got on the road to head back home and said he'd check his mail when he got home. There was just something there. Something below the surface. We emailed back and forth, then texted and then talked on the phone. We agreed to meet for a first date on January 2nd. That is when the world turned wonderfully upside down for me. Lightening bolts! :) To be continued... <3
Friday, January 23, 2015
What?! March 4th...
..was my last blog entry? Seriously? I think I've written about a dozen of them but keep deleting them. Editing myself far too much. I guess that may not have been a bad thing, as when I'm emotional I am not always the most politically correct and I had a bit of (and by bit of I mean a B-I-G f$%&ing sh!t load of) a roller coaster ride year last year. All ended well but it wasn't my easiest year. Worthy of a few chapters in the Book of Cat, though. Short chapters, but there were definitely a few worthy of their own chapters.
2015 is different. Three weeks in and happier than I have been in a good, long while. Why, dear reader? Well. There are lots of pieces that contribute to the whole. In the past year I've learned to let go of dreams that weren't really right for anyone. Big reality check. I've learned to finally embrace what I do want. I've learned to ask for help, and accept it when offered. That was a very, very hard thing for me to break through, but with the help of some awesome new friends, fantastic older ones and a strengthened family bond that I've always wanted...I finally am at the point in my life where I accept that I don't have to do everything on my own and I don't always have to be strong. I don't always have to put everyone else before me and I don't have to accept other people putting their friends and family before me most of them time. I remember telling my ex-husband that I wanted to feel like I mattered. I know I do. I'm not a pessimistic person in any sense of the word. But there were actions that I allowed in my life that caused me to feel like I didn't matter enough to those that I loved. Yes, it was me that allowed it. I take full ownership of that. But the flip side of that coin is... I wasn't in the right relationships.
I really don't ask for anything grandiose or out of reach. First and foremost, I don't want anyone to attempt to change for me. I need someone much like myself...think of your partner often and don't always put yourself, your friends and family first. That being said, I have a family and friends and there are definitely times that they must come first. I totally get that and fully support it. I'm just really, really not good with frequently being at the bottom of the totem pole. Don't punish me for past relationships and I promise the same. I understand everyone needs to learn from past relationships, but learn to let go. I live in the here and now. The past has shaped me and no one can know where the future is going, so enjoy the now with who you are with...now.
So. Okay. One of the greatest reasons for my happiness is someone that I met three weeks ago that has turned my entire world up.side.down. I was fairly happy going in to this. Work is going well. I have the best kiddo in the world. Great friends that are always there for me. I never feel alone. But I did feel lonely. There is a difference. Three weeks ago, everything changed and I haven't stopped smiling.
There is much more to come on this as the love story unfolds. It's a beautiful story. A princess who found her prince story. A top of the totem pole story for both of us. And I'll share it as the journey continues. I wanted to hold it close to my heart in the beginning but I think it's time to share. To start writing again. Get ready, my friends. Take my hand and leap off the edge with me... because... Cat is in love. Madly.
2015 is different. Three weeks in and happier than I have been in a good, long while. Why, dear reader? Well. There are lots of pieces that contribute to the whole. In the past year I've learned to let go of dreams that weren't really right for anyone. Big reality check. I've learned to finally embrace what I do want. I've learned to ask for help, and accept it when offered. That was a very, very hard thing for me to break through, but with the help of some awesome new friends, fantastic older ones and a strengthened family bond that I've always wanted...I finally am at the point in my life where I accept that I don't have to do everything on my own and I don't always have to be strong. I don't always have to put everyone else before me and I don't have to accept other people putting their friends and family before me most of them time. I remember telling my ex-husband that I wanted to feel like I mattered. I know I do. I'm not a pessimistic person in any sense of the word. But there were actions that I allowed in my life that caused me to feel like I didn't matter enough to those that I loved. Yes, it was me that allowed it. I take full ownership of that. But the flip side of that coin is... I wasn't in the right relationships.
I really don't ask for anything grandiose or out of reach. First and foremost, I don't want anyone to attempt to change for me. I need someone much like myself...think of your partner often and don't always put yourself, your friends and family first. That being said, I have a family and friends and there are definitely times that they must come first. I totally get that and fully support it. I'm just really, really not good with frequently being at the bottom of the totem pole. Don't punish me for past relationships and I promise the same. I understand everyone needs to learn from past relationships, but learn to let go. I live in the here and now. The past has shaped me and no one can know where the future is going, so enjoy the now with who you are with...now.
So. Okay. One of the greatest reasons for my happiness is someone that I met three weeks ago that has turned my entire world up.side.down. I was fairly happy going in to this. Work is going well. I have the best kiddo in the world. Great friends that are always there for me. I never feel alone. But I did feel lonely. There is a difference. Three weeks ago, everything changed and I haven't stopped smiling.
There is much more to come on this as the love story unfolds. It's a beautiful story. A princess who found her prince story. A top of the totem pole story for both of us. And I'll share it as the journey continues. I wanted to hold it close to my heart in the beginning but I think it's time to share. To start writing again. Get ready, my friends. Take my hand and leap off the edge with me... because... Cat is in love. Madly.
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