When I was young, I was told that I was not pretty. I was told that I was so stupid that I would be better off if someone murdered me. True story. I didn't want to believe these stories I was told and at times, I didn't. But to rip the scabs off, most of the time, I did believe it. When you tell someone they are something enough times, it starts to manifest; if not physically then psychologically. I tried to stay a step ahead and took a lot of psych and social psych classes to understand why I was so easily manipulated. I do understand. That doesn't mean that I overcame it.
Fast forward. Married a couple of months after I turned 19. I thought I was in love. Thought I was loved. It wasn't a good relationship from the get-go, but I took my vows seriously. This "man" proceeded to break me down emotionally. Nothing I did, said or was, was ever good enough. He thought I was smart, but used it against me. He told me that I was ugly. Fat. He told me that he slept with 30 women while we were together. He always told me about how great other women were. Commented on their body parts. It cracked the outer shell I built to shield myself from my mom. When I turned 25, I took control. I started to starve myself. I did this, very successfully, for about 6 months. I lost over 60 lbs. Friends tried to suggest that maybe I needed help, but I blew it all off and said that I was fine. I got down to 106 lbs. I was wearing girls size 12 clothes. And I still felt fat. But I didn't feel ugly anymore.
I did feel sick. My stomach hurt all the time. I thought about food all the time. I cooked for everyone around me. I exercised as much as I could. I journaled it all. It was a horrible time in my life. I felt so alone and scared. My husband accused me of starving myself to...well...that's another story for another day...but it was devastating. When I started to have strong heart palpitations, I got scared. When my mom told me that my dad was worried about me, my dad, that's when it all fell in on me. When the casing I built around me crashed. So I started to eat again. I binged. Then got scared and... you got it...purged. I decided throwing up wasn't much fun. I turned to laxatives. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Wasn't uncommon for me to take a box of 30 a day. I really wasn't eating that much... I can't tell you how much this all physically hurt me. And it was all mine. I didn't share it with anyone. All I wanted was to feel good about myself. To feel pretty.
I came through it all, only own. I don't recommend that for anyone who may be going through it now. Reach out and ask for help. Much easier with a support system. But I guess my mom was right and I have this desire to be a martyr. I do things on my own. Thankfully, it worked out for me. I am happy in my skin now. I like who I am. I am a lot healthier now, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's been a long and windy road, but I came through the other side. Why am I opening up about all of this right now? Because I write when I am trying to figure things out.
I started this by saying I didn't feel pretty or smart for a large portion of my young life. This imprinted deeply in me. When I hear or see articles about kids, or even adults, going through the same struggles, it touches my soul. Grabs it and squeezes it. As a way for me to cope with this, I like to tell people that they are beautiful. That they are smart. That they are loved. I do it a lot. I compliment a lot. A LOT. Maybe too much at times. I have been told that I am fake. That I do it to make people like me. Neither is true. I do it from my heart. I am sincere in my compliments. I think there is so much shit and negative noise in our world. Too much. I believe in doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. I believe there is something beautiful in everyone. What is beautiful in my eyes may not be beautiful in your eyes. And vise versa. That doesn't mean it's wrong or insincere. Or fake.
I love that I am compassionate. And passionate about making people feel good about themselves. I guess what I need to learn is that not everyone needs this. Some people are fine without being told that they are beautiful and smart and truly special. But what I want them to understand, what I need them to understand, is that I can't change this about me. I can scale it back, but I can't stop because.. this is me. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's what I need to do to pay back the universe for how much I have been hurt in the past. It would be insincere and fake of me to stop. .
Love and light.
<3 Cat
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Top o' the Mornin' to ya!
This past Sunday, I had my first race of the season and first outdoor run since mid October, when I ran the St. Louis Rock n Roll Half Marathon. Training has been inconsistent, and only on a treadmill with zero grade (so no simulated hill climbs). As always, if I don't sign up for races I stop running. I need to have a goal. I haven't found my happy place to run here yet (oh Rockland Lake, how I miss you!), so registering for races is what keeps me going.
The Top 'O the Morning 5k is a great local race. Starts flat and then there is a gradual hill climb for a mile, turn around and run down it for a mile and finish on the flat half mile. I did this race last year and remember enjoying the run. I was solo last year so I arrived, sat in my car listening to music before the race, ran, had a quick beer afterwards, chatted with a few people and then got myself back home. Nice run, but pretty much just a run. The following weekend I ran the St. Louis St. Patrick's Day Parade 5 miler. Early morning drive into the city and much frustration trying to park as they were blocking off every street as I approached. Way earlier than advertised...and I was not able to use my $15 prepaid premium parking ticket because I could not get to parking at 6:30 AM. Race didn't start until 9. SO frustrating. Ran, tripping over the masses. Literally. Quick beer afterwards and then zoomed back home to relieve my sitter. If I would have had someone there with me to share the experience I would have stayed longer but seems silly to spend $10 on a sitter when I'm hanging by myself.
This year? Complete opposite. And I could not be happier. I honestly don't think that I could. See?
That's a photo from the end, but let me start at the beginning...
About a week before this race, as Terry and I were chatting, he mentioned that he wouldn't mind joining me that morning. He said he could give me a ride there and be there for support. Can't put into words how much his offer meant to me. Of course I wanted him to be there, but felt hesitant to ask him because I wasn't sure how excited he'd be about getting up early with a lot of sitting around and waiting tacked onto it. Be he really seemed interested and I was thrilled! As a rule, most of the time I like running by myself because it's my "me" time. Even in a crowd. But honestly, I have always wanted to have someone there for me. Someone to help calm the nerves beforehand and especially, to be there at the end. Terry, was perfect for the job.
He picked me up bright and early. 6:30 AM, which with the start of Daylight Savings Time, felt like 5:30. He packed his truck with everything I could want or need...drinks and warm blankets. We got a great parking spot, and I played my loud, angry music to get in the zone. He calmed my nerves a lot. Prerace, I have a lot of excessive energy and it was so great to have someone to distract me and smile at me and make me feel...special in the best possible way. He was there for me. Completely there for me.
We walked around for a bit just shortly after 8 AM. The race was set to start at 8:30. I joined the Road Warriors last year, which is an amazing running group. Runners in general are a fantastic bunch of people. It is a great community full of supportive, encouraging and inspiring people. The Road Warriors are all of that and more. I'll write more about them in a future post. Before every race, there is a photo of all the warriors at that particular race. We were about 90 strong that day, with more than 75 of us in the photo. Here are a couple that Terry took. <3
It was a little chilly that morning, and he kept me warm in his arms. Stood alongside me at the start. Held my jacket as I ran. And he was waiting for me at the finish line, with a huge smile. As usual, I made my way out of sight to heave and try to not vomit in front of everyone... I push hard at the end and that's typically how I finish...trying not to throw up. :)
He hunted me down and told me how proud of me he was - and how much he was enjoying the experience. He was having fun! Yay! We got our beers...I also grabbed a donut. First donut in ages! Best donut ever. One of the great things about racing is the abundance of food and beverages afterwards, and hanging with the crowd afterwards talking about what you just did and what you have coming up. It was truly, truly wonderful to share this with Terry. And the fact that he enjoyed it so much was icing on the..donut. We had many beers. Watched Irish dancing. Stayed for the drawings...and someone spoiled me just a little (a LOT) with new shoes. Watch for their debut in my entry after the St. Patrick's Day Parade 5 miler coming up this weekend. I have my fingers crossed for that elusive green beer that I've always wanted to try. ;) But you know what will be the best part, hands down? That my guy will be there for me again. <3
I love you to the moon and back, Terry.
<3 Cat
The Top 'O the Morning 5k is a great local race. Starts flat and then there is a gradual hill climb for a mile, turn around and run down it for a mile and finish on the flat half mile. I did this race last year and remember enjoying the run. I was solo last year so I arrived, sat in my car listening to music before the race, ran, had a quick beer afterwards, chatted with a few people and then got myself back home. Nice run, but pretty much just a run. The following weekend I ran the St. Louis St. Patrick's Day Parade 5 miler. Early morning drive into the city and much frustration trying to park as they were blocking off every street as I approached. Way earlier than advertised...and I was not able to use my $15 prepaid premium parking ticket because I could not get to parking at 6:30 AM. Race didn't start until 9. SO frustrating. Ran, tripping over the masses. Literally. Quick beer afterwards and then zoomed back home to relieve my sitter. If I would have had someone there with me to share the experience I would have stayed longer but seems silly to spend $10 on a sitter when I'm hanging by myself.
This year? Complete opposite. And I could not be happier. I honestly don't think that I could. See?
That's a photo from the end, but let me start at the beginning...
About a week before this race, as Terry and I were chatting, he mentioned that he wouldn't mind joining me that morning. He said he could give me a ride there and be there for support. Can't put into words how much his offer meant to me. Of course I wanted him to be there, but felt hesitant to ask him because I wasn't sure how excited he'd be about getting up early with a lot of sitting around and waiting tacked onto it. Be he really seemed interested and I was thrilled! As a rule, most of the time I like running by myself because it's my "me" time. Even in a crowd. But honestly, I have always wanted to have someone there for me. Someone to help calm the nerves beforehand and especially, to be there at the end. Terry, was perfect for the job.
He picked me up bright and early. 6:30 AM, which with the start of Daylight Savings Time, felt like 5:30. He packed his truck with everything I could want or need...drinks and warm blankets. We got a great parking spot, and I played my loud, angry music to get in the zone. He calmed my nerves a lot. Prerace, I have a lot of excessive energy and it was so great to have someone to distract me and smile at me and make me feel...special in the best possible way. He was there for me. Completely there for me.
We walked around for a bit just shortly after 8 AM. The race was set to start at 8:30. I joined the Road Warriors last year, which is an amazing running group. Runners in general are a fantastic bunch of people. It is a great community full of supportive, encouraging and inspiring people. The Road Warriors are all of that and more. I'll write more about them in a future post. Before every race, there is a photo of all the warriors at that particular race. We were about 90 strong that day, with more than 75 of us in the photo. Here are a couple that Terry took. <3
It was a little chilly that morning, and he kept me warm in his arms. Stood alongside me at the start. Held my jacket as I ran. And he was waiting for me at the finish line, with a huge smile. As usual, I made my way out of sight to heave and try to not vomit in front of everyone... I push hard at the end and that's typically how I finish...trying not to throw up. :)
He hunted me down and told me how proud of me he was - and how much he was enjoying the experience. He was having fun! Yay! We got our beers...I also grabbed a donut. First donut in ages! Best donut ever. One of the great things about racing is the abundance of food and beverages afterwards, and hanging with the crowd afterwards talking about what you just did and what you have coming up. It was truly, truly wonderful to share this with Terry. And the fact that he enjoyed it so much was icing on the..donut. We had many beers. Watched Irish dancing. Stayed for the drawings...and someone spoiled me just a little (a LOT) with new shoes. Watch for their debut in my entry after the St. Patrick's Day Parade 5 miler coming up this weekend. I have my fingers crossed for that elusive green beer that I've always wanted to try. ;) But you know what will be the best part, hands down? That my guy will be there for me again. <3
<3 Cat
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)