There Be Ghosts

Okay- I'm going away from my usual topics and am going to write about something that I don't really believe in. I'd like to say that I don't believe at all, but why write about it, then? For instance, I won't write a blog post about Bigfoot, although right now it is a weekly topic at our household. I'm not a cynical person by nature but some things... yeah...just not happening for me.

I'm not a believer in ghosts. Never really wanted to believe in them, until my Mom passed away. Then I started to wish that they were real. I wanted to believe. Badly. I can't tell you the amount of times I've asked her to give me a sign to let me know that she is still with me- to feel her embrace when I need it the most. I've had a few little things happen that I started to chalk up to it being my Mom trying to reach out to me. I think it was wishful thinking though. I saw things because I wanted to so desperately.

I did see her once. When I was running the Marine Corp Marathon, at about mile 24, there was a woman in the crowd that looked so much like her. She had the same mannerisms. The same stance. She was eating something and leaning over a stand. She looked straight into my eyes and said "You are doing great. You can do it". She smiled at me, and then looked down... and then I lost her. Cue sad music. I felt deeply lost and bewildered at that moment in time. It shook me. I kept thinking "Damn. That sure looked like my Mom". I kept running and it was a welcome distraction to get me through the finish. I told a friend about it a month or so afterwards and said how much this lady reminded me of my Mom. She said "Maybe it was your Mom". Puzzle pieces fitting together suddenly. It all felt right. So... maybe? I choose to believe that it was my Mom. It's the closest thing yet.

But I'm not writing this because of that incident. I am writing this because I do believe that there is a ghost in our house. I don't think it's a mean, movie-kind-of-ghost. Or a sappy help-me-find-my-loved-one ghost.  Or a somebody-done-me-wrong-song kind of ghost. But I feel there is something here.

Twice I have come out of a dead sleep because I felt someone was standing beside me. And I have clearly heard a man speak to me. The first time he said my name. Two nights ago, he said "hello beautiful". Both times it has scared me so badly that I haven't been able to get back to sleep. Both times I thought that someone was in the house and was hiding. I stayed awake, waiting for some kind of movement or the onset of a brutal battle. I've probably read one too many scary books. Both times have been when the night light in the bathroom has burnt out so it is unusually dark in here. It makes me feel like a child again, scared of the dark and paralyzed by fear. But when I really got to thinking about it, I chose to believe that it's a ghost. Sure- it's most likely just my over- tired brain... echos of conversations past. Bits and pieces of memories knitting into a new tapestry.... or... a ghost. A ghost that feels more comfortable when it's just he and I. He also prefers the dark. I've talked myself into feeling a little better about it. While I may be a little bit of a believer now, I still don't believe in bad or mean ghosts. Maybe just a presence that likes to reach out once in awhile. To feel connected to what once was. I don't know. But I'm not as scared now.

...I will be buying new night lights, though. Just sayin'....

Do you believe in ghosts?

Staring the Year Right

Last year was a year of transition and during that year, one of the sacrifices I made was to drastically scale back on running I still managed to run 2 half marathons and a full marathon, with a Warrior Dash in there for good measure. I ran a 5k and won a plaque for being the top female over the age of 40.  But I really let all the rest of it slide. I didn't train and was happy to have completed the races with the times I achieved. I know I could have (and should have) done better. Can't expect to without training though, and I am darn lucky that I didn't get hurt. I had no business running a marathon when my longest training run for it was a half marathon.

I only really started running about 3 years ago. During that time, my runs have consisted of just that. Going out (or in) and just running. Usually I'd set a time or distance and then I'd run until I achieved that. Or a route. But I didn't plan. I trained for my first marathon, but really all I was training for was endurance. Nothing to do with strength or speed. The first time was really just to prove that I could do it. In my second marathon, I ran a better time. But I didn't have the extreme knee pain that I did in the first. And I didn't train. I didn't even keep an eye on my time.

I don't have any great illusion that I'll be a Boston qualifier. I really don't have a desire to do this. Honestly. I love running for the sake of running, and I don't like the exclusiveness of Boston. Maybe it's because I was never an athlete growing up. It's okay that Boston is Boston and has it's rules and prestige. And it's okay that I don't want to do that. We'll both live happily-ever-after without me setting a goal to qualify. But this year, I am setting goals. And I am going to train. Properly.

I am planning on two marathons this year- the Flying Pig in Cincinnati on May 6th, and the Chicago Marathon in October. I'd like to do maybe three half marathons throughout the year. And some local 5ks to keep me on my feet. If anything, they are great for training. I'd like to run with friends. I'd like to inspire a few of them to run and to run with me. I'll say what everyone says... "if I can do it, you can do it". It's the truth, though. You can do anything that you set your mind to doing. This was me about 15 years ago...

My Mom always told me that I could achieve anything as long as I was willing to make the sacrifices necessary to achieve those goals. I firmly believe this. To run, you need to make time (you'll never "find" it), you need to stick to it and not give up after a bad workout, a bad week, month or even year. You need to be realistic and ask for support when you need it. It's not easy. And it's not for everyone. If you give running an honest try for a few months and still hate it then find something that you love and stick with that. It isn't for everyone. There are other sports that you can do that are equally as beneficial as running. For me, it is running. I love it. Love it. I feel so unbelievably good after a great run. It gives me such confidence and a glow that lifts me for hours and hours. I am grateful to be able to run. To have the ability and the support needed to have the time to train. And to have a boyfriend who is a runner himself and understands. It makes it a lot easier!

Anyhow, my marathon goal for the Flying Pig is 4:30:00. Barring injury or long line at a porta-potty again, there is no reason that I cannot do this. I'll set a new goal for Chicago once I complete the Pig. The training has begun!