Moms- Update!

I've sure been neglecting this blog! Time to play catch up.. again…

I just received a beautiful thank you note from my beautiful friend that I sent the baby blanket featured in my last post. It took me almost a month to find my way to the post office. I am so glad that the blanket found it's way to the baby before she was in college. It was starting to go that way.

I asked permission to post the thank you photo. Teared me up to actually see one of my projects in use and it means the world to me to see it in use. Two of my projects, actually! Yay!

And she loves them.

And I love her in them!!!

Beautiful Aleksandra wrapped in hearts

Isn't she adorable? I'm now knitting the same blanket in green for Cade's teacher, who is having a baby boy the beginning of December. I love knitting things when I have someone in mind. I think of them as I knit and it ensures that each project that I tackle has love in every stitch.

Next post will be a race report of the 2012 Chicago Marathon which we ticked off our "To Do" list this past weekend.

Moms (or Plants and Baby Blankets)

This is what began my latest project…

From: Monika
To: Catharine Cox
Subject: Plant
Date: May 11, 2012

Hi Cathy,

The plant is coming back to life :-)

Monika

Here is the back story. In fall 2007, shortly after I came back to work after my Mom passed away, some coworkers at our sister company sent me a large plant. It sat in front of me in my cubicle, and every time I looked at it it made me think of my Mom. I took good care of it for a couple of years, but then I overwatered it and made it unhappy and it did poorly for about a year. As I traveled it was watered sometimes, and sometimes was not. But it hung on.

When I left the office and relocated to Illinois, I left the plant behind in the office that I vacated. The plant just never bounced back and honestly, it looked like the poor thing had lived out its days and had gone to the great garden in the sky. I felt guilty and it gave a little twinge to my heart.

Little did I know, a coworker of mine took this plant into her cubicle and gave it lots of love. She repotted it and loved it. Monika is a quiet, beautiful person. Gorgeous, actually. But she took the dried up stalk that was once a great plant and unbeknownst to me… she brought it back to life. She didn't know the back story behind the plant. Two days before Mother's day, she sent me the above email with the above photo and when I opened it I cried. A lot. To me it was a message from my Mom and it made Mother's Day easier for me because I felt that she reached out to me through Monika. I told her this and we had a lovely conversation about it and a little while later she sent me this…

On 6/26/12 2:07 PM, "Monika"  wrote:

It's growing

Sorry the pic quality is not the greatest...

How can that not make you smile?  Monika was just about to have her 1st baby. A little girl. I wanted to do something special for her. 

This is the first baby blanket I've made since I made one for Caden. The blanket I made for Caden was before I really knew how to knit. Monika's blanket was a true labor of love. The pattern said it would take 30 hours. Yeah… took me a LOT longer than that because I kept dropping a stitch here and there or ending up with an extra one. And I can't give a gift to someone if I know there is one stitch wrong it in. I spent as much time tinking (knitting backwards to correct) asI did knitting it forwards. But I did it! ;-)  

When I knit I like to have the person in mind that I am making it for. Baby Aleksandra, this blanket is coming your way next week. I hope it keeps you warm. <3

Grandmothers

Not really sure what to write about today. Lots that I could write about but nothing is really solidly landing with me.

Feeling the impending anniversary coming up. Sept 16th will be Dad's 70th birthday and the 5th anniversary of losing my Mom. This day is just a big red-circled day. I wish I didn't allow it so much power. I think that spending time with other families and their Moms, I get a little jealous. Sometimes a lot jealous. I think I also have a bit of a skewed perspective when it comes to issues with Moms and Grandmothers. I can't say strongly enough how much I wish I could call up my Mom. How much I wish I could fly home and see her. I'd walk 4,000 miles to spend time with her if a had to.  I would do almost anything to have her back. Not just for me, but also for Caden. He is missing out on so much. He had just turned three when she passed away. He has a very dim outline of a memory of her which is probably stitched together with photos he sees and stories that I tell him. I wish he could have the experience of being spoiled and loved unconditionally by a Grandma. I wish that he had a place that he could go to where he can do no wrong and he isn't told "no" all the time. A place where everything that he says is treasured and repeated to all of her friends and anyone that she encounters. I wish he had a Grandma that would proudly show his photo to everyone, being introduced as the greatest kid that ever there was and will ever be. Someone that never criticized him- only loves him and envelops him in that special love that Grandmas have. My Mom was a wonderful Grandma. I feel cheated and really angry that she was only able to spend such a small time with Caden.

I know that every situation is different and people have different experiences with parents and grandparents. I didn't always have the best relationship with my Mom. But I wish so much that she could share in our life experiences. I want so much to talk to her and ask her advice and for her to just tell me that everything is okay and that she is proud of me. What I wouldn't do to have that cheerleader. To have that person that will always pick you up when you fall. To have those arms around you when you need a good cry… even if it is through the phone. And I really, really wish I had that Grandma for Caden because sometimes I just need someone to talk to about little boy things that only a Grandma has the right perspective on. Its easy for other people to be critical of your child. Sometimes you just need that person that isn't. No matter what.

Caden has a fantastic Grandfather, and Dad's girlfriend (partner just doesn't sound right) is so very wonderful with Caden. No complaints at all with them or their relationship with Cade. I don't want to take anything away from them because I wouldn't trade them. Ever. Nor am I criticizing his paternal grandparents. He hasn't seen them much and I honestly don't know them that well. Hopefully we'll come to know them more in the future. But I am sure that everyone can understand that no one can ever replace your Mom.

So, my PSA (public service announcement) is once again… don't take for granted what you do have and don't let pettiness interfere in relationships. One day everything will change and you will miss it. You will.

I hope one day I'll stop writing these posts! You probably do, too…. ;-)

Been to Lame Land

Bought the T-shirt.

I've been in a funk and haven't felt like writing. Well, I've felt like it, but just haven't done it. Mainly because I am tired of this "poor me" attitude that I've let invade me and I didn't want to share that with the world. Or the dozen or so people that read this. I know that you are tired of reading it, and I'm tired of writing it, frankly.

Cut to the chase- leg still not healed, I'm still not running. And I'm a big cry baby about it. I have yet another x-ray next week. Not hopeful because the hopeful me didn't get anywhere. On the positive side, I found an internist that I am really, really comfortable with and if you know me, you know that's a big accomplishment. Dr. Adams makes me laugh and actually remembers the last time I was in, etc. He held my hand while I cried during my first visit (it's a Cathy-thing) and that got my vote right there. It's nice to finally be able to say that I have a doctor and I'll be able to list a name on forms now where you have to list a doctor. Woot woot!

I did a 5k walk a couple of weekends ago and I'm itching to run. Soon. Chicago marathon is creeping up and I want to train well for it.

Mother's Day came and went and I lived through it. It's still all about my Mom. And it doesn't get easier.

I've done a lot of fun things in the past month or so. St. Louis Zoo Friends Day, multiple fishing weekends, family days and booking and planning a long overdue summer vacation. 5 weeks from today we'll be on our way to British Columbia. These 5 weeks can't go fast enough. Within those five weeks, I have 4 days of work meetings I'm helping organize in New Jersey. The following week, we host the same meetings in Arizona.

Today was Caden's last day as a second grader. He's out for summer break… and four hours into it, he was a little teary because he misses school already. :-)  Gotta love him!!! <3

I need to revamp this blog, too. Looking stale and b-o-r-i-n-g. New project!

Bye Bye Boot (and crutches)

Cue Michael Bublé singing Feeling Good… which FYI is how I start all of my races …

I left today's orthopedic visit with a fancy lace-up brace and was instructed to retire the boot and crutches. CHECK! I start physical therapy next week (4 sessions) and have a follow up x-rays on 4/10. Instructed to not play racquetball or do any strenuous mountain hikes. I can do that. He didn't say I couldn't run.. and I didn't ask. I am hoping to start up again at a slow lope in about two weeks time. I'll ask them at PT. But I am going to start working out again! I'm mobile! I'll be careful with the left leg and ankle- but I also want to get it fully back in use. And I want to start P90X and not just watch Todd, wishing I could do it too!

To be honest I mostly ditched the boot and crutches 2 days ago. Last night I slept bootless for the first time since I broke it. I kept waking up thinking it was going to hurt when I shifted around. There were a couple of wince-worthy moments, but nothing like "sleeping" with a big plastic, neoprene and velcro contraption strapped to your leg. I am not going to miss that. It was such a luxury to actually have both legs under the sheets. But it was really hot in here last night and I ended up on top of the sheets anyhow. But I didn't have to be there. :-)

Last week I hit a few really low spots. I cried a lot.Today I feel like I am Spring. Reborn. New. Sounds pretty extreme and corny but after six long weeks of losing my freedom and not being able to do much for myself or anyone else, this was much needed. I'm just not wired for that. Believe me, I tried really, really hard to be patient. I listened to all of your advice. I wanted to heal ASAP. But it kicked me around mentally. And it wasn't over before I knew it- it was a very long and drawn out time. And I am done with it.

It's in the low 80s today… 27 or so Celsius for my Canadians. I'm in my office wearing shorts, a tank top and my little brace. In an hour and a half I'll head out to pick up Cade from school and I'll be walking without crutches to pick him up. Hooray! When I get home, I think I am going to sit out on the lawn with a book and maybe crack open a beer (I bought stout to make your cupcakes, Sarah!) and celebrate the end of the longest six months of my life and welcome in the next phase!

Side note… thank goodness for health insurance. My emergency room visit was $1,418.30.  I was only responsible for $67.50.

Goals

With 4 and 1/2 weeks left in the fiscal year with the company that I work for, I was asked for my goals for the year. Because when I resigned/moved/signed-on-to-stay-temporarily/decided-to-stay-on-permanently-because-it-was-working-well-remotely we didn't think I'd be there long enough for goals so my work goals weren't established. Now as the year is starting to wind down, my boss thought it would be a good time to record goals. I am thankful for this as it's been a good year and this means that I'll be able to reap some of the rewards for the successful year. But at the same time, it's hard to set a "goal" after the fact. It's not realistic to set five new goals to achieve before the end of the year and it's delicate to set goals that I have already achieved, isn't it? But I should be recognized for what I have achieved.

I drift around without goals. Not only in business but in my personal life as well. Whenever I am feeling disconnected and like life is passing me by, it's because I haven't given myself a challenge. I need to do this. This is one of the things that I love about racing. I sign up for something and then work towards it. It makes workouts easier and a little more meaningful than just pursuing "improved health". Not that that isn't probably more important that finishing a race, but the race is a step towards the ultimate goal of improved or maintained health. The next race is my next step. Once I stop taking steps I stop moving. Literally. So, I'm signed up for a couple of biggish races. The next is the Flying Pig on May 6th. This was supposed to be a marathon for me, but just I just applied to step it down to the half marathon. I haven't ran since January and I probably have another 2 weeks before I start up again, if everything goes well with my appointment tomorrow. This only gives me a month to train. I know I can do it. I have Chicago in the fall and I plan on training the heck out of this. I have an ambitious time goal for that race. I am setting a loose goal for the Pig. A little more than "just finishing it", but not much more than that or else I will hurt myself (I am extremely stubborn and can push through almost anything). But I understand (I do!) that I can cause serious damage to myself and could ruin my opportunity to be able to race successfully ever again. So... loose time goal!

I've set myself another personal goal and that is to say thank you to people in my life. I've been starting my mornings once or twice a week with a big cup of coffee and a note card or two and I've been writing simple "thank you for being part of my life... and I am thinking of you" cards. And I've been mailing them! I've sent out a few gifts. For about 12 years I have been buying cards, gifts and making gifts and I just don't take the time to stop what I'm doing, sit down, write and MAIL. It is so easy to do and now that I've established a routine, I look forward to it. And I have received such positive feedback on this from the recipients... it just snowballs for me and reinforces that this is a good practice for me. Email and FB is nice... something in your hand is better.

Goals are kind of like resolutions, but not really. Resolutions seem so final and set in stone and once you mess up you are done. In my mind, a goal is a work in progress. Something to be revisited frequently to check your progress or lack thereof. If you've made progress- great! Do you need to adjust it because it's been easier than you thought or has the pursuit of the goal taken you in a different direction and you need to modify? If you are not making progress is there a roadblock you need help removing or should your goal be something else at this time? You don't fail if you don't hit your goal- think of the goal as a plan of what you want to achieve and how you think you are going to do it. It should be flexible, with small realistic steps and you should be able to quantify and measure it. How will you know when you have achieved it? What does this look like to you? Share your goal with people you trust if you like- they can help you in your pursuit of success. If you don't have supporters, find someone who does. There are a lot of cheerleaders out there... I am one of the biggest!

What are YOUR goals?

8 Sleeps to Go Until I Give the Boot the Boot

... I hope... because if not, I think I shall go completely insane. I am quite certain that I am serious about that. I have learned a lot of things about resting and taking it easy and being patience blah blah blah. I appreciate the kindness of others like never before. Caden is forever in my prayers for an extra blessing for being so absolutely wonderful during the past 37 days. Without him, I would still be very broken. No doubt whatsoever.

I have also learned a lot about myself. You'd think that with all of the soul searching that I have done the past 10 years or so I'd have myself figured out. I guess because we are ever-evolving we never really quite get there. In my "here-and-now", this is what I have learned about me:

• I am very scared of anyone in the medical profession. This is well documented. I pretty much will do anything that a doctor or nurse or anyone in a white coat tells me to do. If I don't have someone with me, or record what they have told me, I don't really retain anything of what they say because my number one goal is to get the hell out of there alive. I know this is irrational and I know it's not good for me. I have listened to what my doctor has said. I have stayed off of my leg until this past week. I have rested. I have been on my freaking couch waaaay more than any human being should.  I want to heal as fast as humanly possible. I NEED to do this. Now.
• I do have patience, but it is not limitless. 4 weeks is pretty much my limit. Then I am flat out miserable and resentful and weepy and mad at the world. I feel sorry for myself and really jealous of everyone out skiing and running and eating in restaurants and having drinks with friends and smiling for the camera... you know who you are... EVERYONE... 
• I haven't reached out to my friends and family in a long time to just say thank you and I love you and I miss you. It took me being stuck on my couch to learn that when you stop doing this, so do other people. All of a sudden you are alone. I've started sending little notes of gratitude to these people. This is a goal of mine now and it is a great way to start my day. And I've been getting a lot of great feedback from them. My job with the company that I work for is to motivate and thank our associates in "the field". I know how important it is to say thank you and that you are appreciated. I don't think that people do this often enough.... and I have to put myself at the top of the list of people not doing it enough because it is the only list I have control of.
• In the same vein, I need to start creating a network of friends where I am now. I've had no visitors because I don't really have friends here. They aren't knocking on my door looking for me. I need to start looking for them. Working from home doesn't allow for a lot of face to face time with other people. I'm settled in. Caden is doing well.  It's time for me to get involved in something bigger than me and find those special ladies that I share commonalities with. I don't want to be just known as "Caden's Mom". I like to stand on my own merit. 

Those are my biggest takeaways. I also want to say that you never truly appreciate what you have until you don't have it. Honestly, I thought of this a lot when I ran. I was very thankful to have the legs that I had and the health that I did and the fitness and the drive... I didn't take it for granted. But it wasn't until it was truly taken away from me that I fully understood or appreciated just how much your legs do for you. And how difficult even the most mundane things can be without the use of them, or someone to help. Try crutches out for a full day... not just a spin up and down the hall. Better yet, give it three days or so so you can experience the bruising. Or when you get tired and will yourself to not fall or up, the stairs. Try going in and out of buildings that don't have the handicap accessible doors. My bone doctor does not have these doors. Each week I have to try to hop in between two very heavy doors while carrying my crutches.... while people sitting inside just sit there and watch me struggle. There is a lesson in there for me. I've learned a bunch of them!