My Red Dress

I'm not beautiful on the surface. This is a fact that I've known since I was a little kid. I think at times I have been cute and sometimes pretty. Most of the time just average. Some days I've been hit a time or two with the proverbial "ugly stick". As I've advanced in age, I've come to terms with it and for the most part, am okay with it. There really aren't many times in life that I have been told that I was beautiful and during those times I probably discarded the compliment as just one of those things that people say when someone is getting married. Or going out on a date. Kind of like "Hi, how are you?" when you really don't listen to the reply. But there is one time that someone told me that I was beautiful and he made me believe. I'll get into that a few paragraphs down.

It's no secret that I was an overweight child, young adult and part of my adult life. During those years, I heard that I had a pretty face, thin ankles, nice hair... that I was smart and "nice".   I was asked if it was hard being friends with people that were so pretty. My Mom told me that because I had no waist I should wear dresses with a drop waist, like Linda Evans (which is what every 15 year old wants to be told... to dress like a 40-something year old). I went to Vancouver to shop for my graduation dress and tried on what seemed like every dress in Vancouver (sorry Aunt Kelly!) and ended up with something I didn't love and didn't feel pretty in because it was the only one we could find that fit and was dressy enough for the occasion. By this time, I was used to it. Never Cinderella. Not one of the ugly step-sisters, but never the belle of the ball.

I was married (the first time) just a couple of months after turning 19. I had one of those poofy princess-type dresses. Loved the dress. Didn't love it on me. Made me feel like a float. But my parents were buying and it fit and it was a pretty dress. But again, never felt beautiful in it.

I was also told that I shouldn't be vain. I had no reason to be vain. I shouldn't make fun of anyone's choice in lipstick color because I wasn't a "raving beauty" myself. Contact lenses were for vain, shallow people... glasses were perfectly good. I didn't take that advice, but I heard it and it stuck with me. A few years back I started using Crest White Strips (still love them) and was made fun of by some family members. Family members with yellow teeth, by the way, but that's their choice. My choice was to whiten and brighten a little.

Am I vain? Sure. I work out regularly. I color and cut my hair. When I am at work in public (as opposed to working from home at my desk) I dress in dresses and heels. I wear jewelry. I wear perfume. I look in the mirror. Still don't see a raving beauty, but I see someone that I am comfortable with.

I usually have nail polish on, but it's almost always chipped. I use my hands too much to keep them pretty. And my feet have calluses from running. I'm okay with that. I have loose skin from the many years of being overweight and losing that weight. I have stretch marks from the time I was 10 and developed boobs overnight and a stomach so I wouldn't topple over from the boobs. And I'm okay with this. I can be naked at night with the lights on. :-)

Now back to the beautiful thing. A few weeks ago at a work meeting we were asked to write a story about a dress. Our dress merchant manager at our company is retiring after a very impressive 30+ years in the dress industry, and the company thought it would be nice if everyone wrote a personal story about how a dress influenced them, or created a memorable moment. Over 200 people wrote out their stories. I over-thought this and could not come up with anything. I grew up in dresses. I climbed trees in dresses. I remember my Dad washing my favorite white dress with little red polka dots and it coming out pink... my wedding dress(es!), graduation dress.. a lot of stories but none that were really happy or stood out as something that I would want to share.

And then I remembered the red dress in the back of my closet. The one that I put on every few months. The one that I wore to a work event and time stood still and I. Felt. Beautiful.

It was three years ago, in Jersey City, New Jersey at at District Leader meeting. We were in a beautiful hotel overlooking the Hudson River and the New York/ New Jersey harbor. Part of my job is event planning and part of this annual meeting is a semi-formal banquet awards dinner. It is a sea of little black dresses (LBDs) and suits. I typically don't wear the LBD because honestly, I do like to stand out. I like the cream colored dresses. I've worn red. Blue. Occasionally black but not typically. And for this dinner, I am usually a hot mess. I am doing last minute room set ups and I literally run to my room 15 minutes before cocktail hour starts, throw off my sweaty clothes, kick off my heels that are already pinching my feet and quickly wash the pits, reapply deodorant, touch up the eye makeup, brush my hair and sometimes put a little barrette in it, throw my dress over my head, put on a big sparkly bracelet, make a quick phone call home, squash my feet into new heels and run back downstairs to the event to make sure everything is going as planned. If I am in my room for 10 minutes I would be surprised. Every year, same thing. No matter how much I try to preplan to allow an hour to shower, do my hair, etc, something always always always comes up and I am running last minute. This year, it was the place cards that looked like they were alphabetized by the temps... but they weren't. So about 5 of us were doing this last minute on a table for close to 300 place cards. Fun times!

But three years ago, I had a special dress. It was an off-one-shoulder, form fitting red dress. There was a big flower on the other shoulder. Not my typical dress. I felt in love with this dress when I tried it on. I was just starting divorce proceedings for divorce #2 (obviously not good at marriage) and this dress came into my life at just the right time. I felt pretty in it. So, I made my mad dash up to my room to get into my dress. I don't remember what I did with my hair. But I remember being in the elevator on the way to the ballroom. Telling myself to slow down, breathe, relax. I was so amped up for the event and going over all of the things that needed to be done. The elevator doors opened. I stepped into the cramped room and all of a sudden I had this huge rush of anxiety and it was like everyone turned and stared at me as I made my entrance. I know that really didn't happen, but it felt that way. And within 10 seconds of my arrival, our Chief Merchandise Officer made a bee-line over to me, grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and said sincerely that he was so happy that I chose to wear red (in a sea of black) and that I looked stunning. And he said it a couple of times before it sank in and I really heard what this man was telling me. He was telling me that I looked beautiful. And he meant it. And I felt it. I felt beautiful, truly, for the first time in my life. It was like all of the air went out of the room. I felt weak. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug this man. Keith, if you ever read this, I will never, ever forget this moment. I had a few people approach me that night and tell me that I was radiant and beautiful and I think that the more I felt it and believed it, the more true it was. As much as telling someone that they have thin ankles stays with them their whole life, so does a genuine compliment given at just the right time.

I know how important words are. How just the smallest thing can stay with you - both the good and the bad. It would be a wonderful world if we all had thick skins and if someone was having a bad day we'd know that when they are laughing at us it is really the outward manifestation of them feeling bad about themselves. But it's not that easy. Not everyone is strong all the time. It doesn't take much to make someone feel good about themselves, really. It's easy. Everyone walks in beauty if you open your eyes. Build each other up by being genuine. We can tell when someone isn't. Celebrate our differences and be someone that others want to be around. And as I write this, I know that I can learn from this as well. I have a long way to go as well. I need to let go of the past ghosts that follow me and tell me that I'm not this and I'm not that. I need to remind myself that it is okay to feel good about being me. That I do have times that I really am beautiful both inside and out. And so are you. You, my friend, are beautiful. Breathe it in. Breathe it out. Tell two friends. And then they'll tell two friends. And so on. And so on. And so on.

I'm going to try to track down a photo of me in the dress from that night. In the mean time, here is a selfie from today in the dress. It's hanging back up in my closet now, waiting to be pulled out again when I feel the need for that pick me up. <3

This is what inspired me to write this post. This is such a great message, from a beautiful woman.

Oscar Winner Lupita Nyong'o's Speech On Beauty That Left An Entire Audience Speechlesswww.upworthy.comLupita Nyong’o deserves all the awards in the universe for this speech.

2014 - Starting Strong

Started the year with a fitness challenge and a new running goal. I am grabbing 2014 by the b@lls and making it my year. I've been dormant too long and its time to make some life changes.

I'm on Day 9 of a 31 day challenge for: Abs, Arms, and Thighs and Glutes (squats), plus I have set a running goal of 25 miles a week.; 1,300 for the year. I am training for the Flying Pig Marathon in Cincinnati this coming May 4th. I've been running almost every day now for almost 6 weeks and am running faster than I have in almost three years. I'm not just focused on mileage, but am also incorporating some speed work in my training as well. The fitness challenge is with a group of people in BC (thanks for kicking it off, Wendy!). It has helped me a lot and kept me accountable for getting it done and cheering on the rest of the group.

This year I am going to find a group to run with. I miss that. I am almost exclusive to treadmills right now due to the weather, but I want to hit the track with the local running club come spring, and I want to be a part of group runs and have a pack to chat with and bounce ideas off of.

I am going to run 3 -5 half marathons this year (including virtual ones) and one additional full marathon in the fall. Haven't decided on it yet but I am probably going to do something local. I would love to do a Tough Mudder or something similar to have an added physical challenge and keep me cross training and weight training.

It motivates me like crazy when people think I can't do something, or write me off as "a girl". I am a girl. A girl that works hard. A girl that puts others before herself almost always. A girl that still has a lot to accomplish in her life.

2014 is MY year.

... and yes, there is going to be a lot of running sh!t in the blog this year. Trying to keep most of it off of FB. I am looking to move away from FB this year due to too much negativity and politics. Its not much fun anymore and life is too short for that, peeps! And by politics, I don't mean traditional political posts. More power to you to promote what you believe in and to show hope for a change! I'm talking more personal politics. Not a big fan of games that people play to make themselves feel better. Not gonna sugar-coat it - I've been one of those people at times. I work really hard to stay off that slippery slope and feel so much better for it. :-)

Have you made any changes in the first couple of weeks of 2014? Or are you still thinking about it?

Working Out

Aaaand… now it's the end of August.

I'm not even going to apologize for the huge lapse. Life happens. Must mean I'm busy, right?

Back full swing at the gym and changed my diet to exclude most wheat/glucose. I've been doing this for 6 weeks now and am down 15 lbs and have my running legs back. I am up to running just short of an hour and a half at a stretch without stopping. First few weeks back were brutal but I'm in my groove again. A couple more weeks and I'll start on a little speed work as well. I may shoot for a half marathon this coming Friday. On a treadmill. Why? Because it is more of a challenge mentally…. and it's supposed to be close to 100 degrees F this week (summer is finally here now that it's almost over). While I'm good at pushing myself mentally, I'm not so good at pushing myself when running in a furnace. I won't be a Bad Water contender (even though I give HUGE props to those that have done Bad Water!).

I wanted to talk a little about working out, and the gym in particular. I've been member of Gold's for almost 2 years now, and my membership has been well used. I'm going 5- 6 days a week. I use the cardio gym, so I can watch a movie while running (helps with the monotony). I also utilize the child care that they have. Cade can hang out with other kids for up to 2 hours for free- which he enjoys. I wouldn't drag him along if he didn't, but he either is a sweaty little mess when I pick him up or he is gathered in a group of boys playing with their DSs/iPads or Nooks.

I love reading about my FB friends gym trials and tribulations. They often make me laugh out loud. For the most part, I have a good gym experience. No one bothers me. There a a few minor things that both me, such as the people who cannot walk on the treadmill without talking on their phone (come on people.. give it a rest for 20 minutes!) and the people who don't clean off their equipment after using it. I have the habit now of cleaning before and after. Better safe than sorry! But what I really wanted to touch on is how I look during and after I work out.

I do not look like the women in the workout magazines. I was of the belief that no one looks like these women (not even the models themselves… I've seen how much they "fix" the photos first hand working where I do), but the past couple of weeks I've really started looking at the women in my gym after they have worked out, and a lot of them DO look like they stepped out of a magazine. They are nicely groomed, have that nice post-workout glow to them and they look strong and ready to take on the day. And then I look at myself in the mirror and I can't help but laugh.

I look like I've been dragged behind a bus, through a pool of sweat and left out in the desert sun for about 10 hours too long. I am beet red with sunk-in eyes, hair alternately stuck to my head with sweat- or flying everywhere from bouncing around in my pony tail and working it's way towards being a dread lock. It is dripping a trail of sweat behind me. I can actually feel it drip on the treadmill during my cool down. My shirt is soaked. I could probably wring out everything on my body, not exaggerating. My mouth is stuck in a grimace. I work hard to pick my feet up because I am worried they are just going to completely jelly-out on me. I go directly to my locker and get out my belongings. Carry them back to the sink. Wash my face, hands, arms… as much as I can without actually having a shower. I try to cool down and get some of the redness to settle down before I leave the gym. I used to exit the gym as quickly as possible so I had limited exposure to not scare off prospective members. But now, I walk out slowly and proudly. I completed another workout…and I don't look beautiful afterwards. But I feel beautiful on the inside. Strong. Committed. A good role model to my son. And who knows? Maybe I'll inspire someone else who doesn't look so great after a workout to sign up. The outside isn't the important part- it's the inside. So while on the outside I may look like the wildebeest that has been run to it's death in the Serengeti, on the inside, I'm the lioness.

New phone...with Blogger installed

Testing out my new Galaxy S4. Happy thus far. My iPhone and I had a love/hate relationship. I loved to hate it. I am sure I had a defective model. Had to be, because I can't see how anyone would love that phone. My phone would not work right if you held it up to your ear. Not a great feature for a phone. The camera was terrible. Flash wouldn't work when I needed it to. Worked when I dudnt want it to. I researched and researched. Conclusion? Bad phone. But I stuck with it for more than 2 years. And I hated it for 2 years.

So- upgraded today. Happy and hopeful. ♡  
 

…aaaaand my first chemo cap...

This is an older entry that I had saved in draft. Oops. Cute model, right? Ha ha!

I love this hat. Lace border and a nice warm garter stitch to keep the heat in. This is knit with Debbie Bliss baby cashmerino, which is a blend of cashmere, merino wool and a bit of synthetic fibers thrown in. It is soft and warm. It took about four hours from start to finish and only took one ball. I think I have nine more balls of this yarn left - in pink, blue and white.

After packing and tucking in a little note card, it will be on it's way to Texas for a test run and feedback. Am very excited for this hat to arrive at it's home.

Project with a Purpose

I apologize to my Facebook friends who are thinking "seen this, done that", as I will be repeating myself somewhat in this blog post. But I'm really excited that I finally have a project that has lit a fire under me! 

I love to run because it is my "me time" and it makes me feel so damn good. I heart endorphins!! I love to knit because it gives me time to think. To really ponder my life, who I am and where I'm going. Very much the same thing as running except usually done sitting down, with a cup of tea (or a bottle glass of wine). Knitting can be an issue if I'm working through something very emotional or all-encompassing while I am working on lacework and have to really stay engaged in remembering to count my stitches or focus on the pattern. It actual proves to be an exercise in frustration and futility as I mess it up over and over. Annnd, I can't just keep going if I know it's not right. I have to pull it out and start again or spend a large amount of time knitting backwards to fix. I really do view it as a form of therapy. 

I love to knit for other people. I find that some people really appreciate it - others not so much. I've had people ask me to knit them something and they would pay me for it. I just can't do it. I have all good intentions to do so, but it just doesn't feel right and it becomes something that I don't love. I love to knit and to give. I finally figured it out! Knit something to give that some people really have a need for. Knit from the heart.

As most of you know, I lost my Mom to cancer five and a half years ago. Someone knit her a prayer blanket to use as she was undergoing chemotherapy. She wanted me to teach her how to knit so she could "pay it forward" and help someone else out. Unfortunately she passed away not long after she shared this with me. I kept the blanket and have it tucked away. It always reminds me that someone spent hours and hours making a precious gift for someone they didn't know. And they probably don't know how much it meant to my Mom.

I could make lap blankets to donate, but I would probably only be able to make a few a year. I want to touch as many people as I can. So I've decided on hats. I'm going to make chemo caps for warriors undergoing chemotherapy so they can have something nice to wear and something knit from the heart with love and prayers built into every stitch. I have a few patterns, but I want to eventually design my own. I only want to use soft, natural yarns. I started my first yesterday in a soft baby cashmirino Debbie Bliss yarn I was going to make a tank top out of. I think this is why I never started it- it was meant for someone else. This one is a special request and will not be part of my big donation- but is for someone that I know and truly care about and will be thinking of as I knit it. It's a great honor and I hope that it arrives as a huge hug to her. 

I also want to knit little hats for preemies, and will donate these to a local hospital. I can knit these fairly quickly and should be able to do a bunch before I am ready to make my donations. I was able to do four this weekend while still having a full weekend. These make my heart smile.

I'm going to make my donations on Sept 16th, which will be the 6th anniversary of my Mom passing. I have 6 months to knit. I'll update this periodically with my counts and photos. I feel so good about starting this project. I'm always looking for ways to give back. I am so grateful for each and every day that I have and being able to help out making something just a little bit better for someone else is what fuels me. 

Love to you all!

C

2013… March… I'm a lame blogger...

Wow. Just checked out the two drafts I had saved in here since Oct 11, my last post. I can't believe that was my last post. I work at my computer 5 days a week. When I open my browser it opens Blogger first. Not like I haven't had a plethora of opportunity... or topics.

The first draft that I had was titled "Chicago Marathon- A Race Report". I had composed one line. Something along the lines of "Wow- this is my first race report of the year!" Followed my deafening silence. To file my report now… I finished the marathon. Didn't hit my goal, but ran a fine race. Two weeks later I ran the St. Louis Rock and Roll Half Marathon. A week later,  followed up with a 5k in Grand Rapids. Took the winter off. I'm back to training again.

My next post was written a couple of weeks ago and was titled "My 9 Lives".  This was a chronicle of my past. My history to those of you who do not know it. It was long. And personal. I didn't finish it and ended up deleting it just now. This blog isn't about the past. It's about the here and now. If you are curious, let's grab a coffee or a drink one day and I'll share. It's quite good but it doesn't belong up here.

So there. Now I can move on and get to the current makings of a blog. I am inspired by the fantastic blog posts that my friend Sarah makes (pretty much daily) about her family. They make me smile and laugh… and I feel like I am keeping current with her world. That's my goal! To keep my friends and family up to date with what is going on in my life. I am so far away from almost all of you. This is a great vehicle for me to reach out to you and give you a hug. But I want them returning! I am going to post photos weekly and I am dabbling in video as well. Wonder if that will really stick now that I am putting it out there?

Wish me luck! ;-)